Enough about me… eh fuck it. Let’s talk about me some more!

My dating life is now in full swing, and let me tell you, I’ve been on some doozies! I’ll do my best to post them in order.

I’ll start with Mimi.  I met Mimi on a popular dating site.  Her profile was incredibly direct.  There was no charm in it whatsoever.  Seems like a long term relationship is her current mission at hand, and she can’t be bothered with anything else until that happens for her.  Including fun!  Fun might interfere with the mission!  She is very clear and says “If marriage and children are not in your plans, swipe left.  I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time including my own.”  I appreciate the honesty and directness of what she’s looking for, but the way she writes, it seems like a lecture.  No fun or charm at all.  So of course I immediately swiped right!!  To be fair though, I mostly swiped right because of one of the pics she posted.  As you know, I loooove resting bitch face (RBF) and this pic had it in spades!  It was actually kind of a grainy pic, but the point got across, and I swiped right.

I was really surprised that she swiped right on me.  I didn’t think a profile like mine would catch her attention.  I emailed her right away, and said things I thought she’d want to hear.  Not lies by any means, but I showed a more serious side instead of showing more of my sense of humor which is normally my strong point.  She replied right away, but her response was very short.  I didn’t want to seem too eager, so I spaced my responses out quite a bit (I know, I know, that’s technically playing games, but fuck it!  Playing games is part of dating.  If you don’t agree, you’re doing it wrong)  Her responses were always very quick, but also very short.  I decided to just give her my number and ask her to meet sooner rather than later.

She called me, and actually wanted my input as to what she should wear.  I’ve never had that happen, and I strangely liked it.  I mean, I think it’s a little weird seeing as I have no idea what she owns, but I like that she wanted to wear something I would like.  If you’ve read my previous posts, you know what a pet peeve it is for me when a girl makes no effort on a first date.  She finally told me what she’d be wearing, and I was excited to meet her.  She wanted to look cute for me, and I liked that.  A lot.  But now I had some pressure on me.  Here she is calling for advice on what to wear, and I was going to have to work later than anticipated that day, so I’d have to meet her right after work.  No time to go home and shower and change.  Fortunately, I really liked what I was wearing that day.  It wasn’t one of those days where I woke up late and rolled into work with a Star Wars t-shirt!

We decided to meet for Happy Hour near work for me.  She was running late, but at least texted me updates, so even though I was annoyed (cuz I could have showered and used my sugar scrub to get my skin incredibly smooth and soft… just in case things progressed well that night) I at least appreciated she kept me posted.

She looked like she did in most of her pictures.  The outfit she was wearing was nice on her.  Conservative, but nice.  I had a drink and appetizers waiting for her when she arrived… cuz I’m considerate.  A total catch.

We started talking. and I ask her exactly what it is that she does for a living because her profile mentioned something about being a business owner, but it was rather vague.  Well, at this point, it’s as if I hit the on switch.  As I’d mentioned before, in her emails she was pretty short with her answers.  Oh not now!  Now it was ON!  I asked her about what is clearly her favorite subject… herself!  Wondering why I’m calling her Mimi?  It’s  because that’s all she talked about… me, me, me, me, me, me.  I think that if at any point she tried to say “Enough about me, let’s talk about you.”  she would have spontaneously combusted.  I’m serious, she would have just burst into flames or something.  As a matter of fact, I’m not sure the muscles in her throat or mouth would allow her to utter that phrase.  It’s a physical impossibility for her!

You see all these ads and inspirational quotes and posters all the time about learning to love yourself.  Well screw that.  Just hire this chic to give a course in self love!!  Actually, I’m not sure if self love is the appropriate term.  It’s more like self obsession!

Let me explain.  I don’t want to go into too much detail about the business she runs, because keeping this anonymous is important to me, and if I provide too much detail, someone could do some sort of internet search and find this girl.  But, the business she runs does provide service to celebrities from time to time.  And, she makes sure she let’s you know about it!  I was actually afraid that our waitress was going to trip and fall over all the names she was dropping!!  I mean, it was fascinating to watch the lengths she’d go to in order to crowbar some celebrities name into our conversation.  I think what I enjoyed the most about the whole thing, is that she always needed to make it seem like these people couldn’t live without her.  At one point (this is while I still thought I had a chance of speaking) I was mentioning how I felt bad I had to say no to a friend about something.  I’m in the middle of speaking, and she says “Oh my God.  You think it was hard saying no to your friend…”

Yes bitch, by all means, cut me off and tell me your story about saying no to someone because it’s clearly going to be more important and fascinating.

Well, I have to say, I’m kind of glad she did, because this ended up being my favorite part of the date.  Allow me to describe what she did.  I think the visual is what my favorite part was.  As I was in the middle of my sentence, she stopped me, raised her hand and said “Oh my God.  You think it was hard saying no to your friend…”  Then with the same hand placed it on her chest, took a breath, and in a loud voice (loud enough for the people around us to hear) she says “just imagine having to say no to Beyonce!”.

As soon as she said this, I was already starting to plan our next date in my head.  I mean come on!  She’s amazing, right??

This actually went on for a while.  It literally was just her going on and on about this celebrity and that one.  I realized I wasn’t going to be given a chance to talk much at all.  The only thing that seemed to be allowed was me asking more questions about her.  Surprisingly enough though, this started to get boring after a while.  I’m pretty twisted and love characters like her as you know, so if I’m losing interest, it must be pretty bad.  It was just that every story was the same.  There would be this huuuge build up, just to drop the next celebrity name.  I decided I needed to have some fun and started ruining her stories.  There was one, where the build up at this point was over 5 minutes long.  She was yapping endlessly about how she had been called to England and that everything was sooo secretive.  Just as she’s getting to the crescendo and going to reveal who she will be doing something for, I, in a very bored voice say “I’m assuming it was the royal family or something?”  It was soooo worth sitting thru that agonizingly boring 5 minutes just to do that to her!!  The deflated look on her face that I ruined her big reveal was AMAZING!!!  She just meekly said “…yes…”  then took a sip of her wine.

This transitioned us into another topic.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still all about her, but instead of talking about all the celebrities that can’t live without her, it was about how successful and rich she is.  (She just keeps getting better and better doesn’t she??)  Honestly though, who does that?  Is that a thing that happens?  I mean, I’ve never really dated a rich person.  Is this something rich people do?  Go around saying “I’m rich”.

She started telling me about the condo she just purchased.  How she was recently on a date with another guy, and that he went over and saw her place and was like “Wow, what do you do for a living??”  First off, this guy had never seen a condo?  And second, did he actually make it to her place without having to hear about what she does and all the celebrities??  I find that impossible to believe.  But here we were.  I’m listening to how much money she makes.  How she just bought this condo, and also has a place in London.  I mean, kudos.  Living in southern California is crazy expensive.  Even a condo costs a pretty penny.  But it’s the way in which she talks about it that is just so grating.  At one point, she took out her phone to show me pics.  Normally, when someone starts showing you pics on a first date, it’s of their pets.  In fact, that’s been my experience every time.  Oh not Mimi.  No, no.  She started showing me pics of the condo.  Umm, overall I guess that’s fine.  If I’d just purchased a place I’d be proud too.  Again though it’s the way she does it.

We then moved on to talking about her family.  This was really interesting.  This started to tell me soooo much about her.  Her family lives in another state, and they are pretty well off.  Sounds like she grew up very comfortably.  She has several brothers and sisters.  Here’s what’s interesting though… none of them talk to her.  Like none.  Zero. Zilch.  Nada.  This includes her parents.  But it’s not like the entire family is distant or anything.  They are all really close from what she was telling me.  It’s just that none of them talk to her.  And it also sounded like all of them individually made the choice to cut off communication.  I actually started feeling really bad for her.  As I was saying how sorry I was to hear it, she said she didn’t care.  That she didn’t need them in her life.  And that they just couldn’t handle that she was so independent and successful.  But that just didn’t make sense to me because it sounded like all of her family with the exception of one sister were really successful.  Then, she takes out her phone and says look.
I’m thinking she’s going to show me a pic of the family, or perhaps of some text exchange showing me some of the friction between her family and herself.  But no!!  It was to show me a picture of her couch.

Let me repeat that.  In the middle of telling me how her family doesn’t talk to her, and me telling her how sorry I am to hear that, she takes out her phone to show me a picture of her couch.

Mimi:  This is the couch I got for the condo.  This couch is $3000″

Me: …….

Mimi:  Oh, and look at this coffee table.  All the things on the coffee table are rare and very expensive decorations.

Me: …….

Mimi:  Ya, I told my assistant to be careful with them because they are so expensive.

Me:  So… is there any chance at reconciliation with your family?

I mean what the fuck??  In the middle of telling me about your family, your start showing me your “really expensive” couch?!

I understand that it’s more than likely a defense mechanism.  That as much as she wants to act like she’s fine with her family no longer wanting to talk to her, she reverts to talking about her success.  I’d be very curious what an actual mental health professional thinks of her.  Because she clearly makes her self worth all about the things she has.

I asked a few more questions about her family.  I just couldn’t drop it.  I mean, how does an entire family just choose to ice someone out?  I’m thinking she had to have done something, right?  This date was over a month ago, so I don’t exactly remember the exact details, but it had gotten so bad, that one of her siblings didn’t want her at their wedding!!  And it sounded like the family understood and agreed.  Seems like things had been building up for quite a while.

So after some more prying, here is what I got.  Slowly but surely she managed to sour the relationship with all her siblings.  She wouldn’t give me too many details though.  But the few that she did really made it seem like it was her fault.  Then, we got to how her parents (HER PARENTS) decided to stop talking to her.  Well, it turns out that all this amazing success she has, and her business are due to her parents.  As I stated before, she seems to come from money.  So, when she wanted to start her business, her parents gave her a very generous loan.  It seemed that this way she wouldn’t need to pay interest or something (I dunno, it was all complicated)  Anyway, her relationship was slowly deteriorating with all of them, then she decided that the money was hers and she wouldn’t be paying them back.  According to her, if they could pay for her sisters wedding which was insanely expensive, then they owed her that money.  I mentioned that her logic didn’t really make sense to me.  That one didn’t really have anything to do with the other.  And that maybe once she got married, they’d pay for her wedding too.

Mimi:  I’m really successful.  I don’t need mommy and daddy to pay for my wedding.

Me:  Ya, but if you’re that successful, why do you need to keep the money you owe them?  Isn’t it the same thing?

Mimi:  Hello?? They paid thousands of dollars for my sisters wedding.  They owe me!

Well, when she puts it that way!!

It’s all starting to make a lot of sense to me.  As the evening goes on, she starts talking about a guy she dated.  I won’t bore you with the details of their relationship (this post is already too long) except to mention this.  She’s not over him.  At all.  They were together for 7 years.  How they were together for that long is beyond me.  But from the sounds of it, they were perfect together.  Because he sounded just as shady as her.  Here’s one thing I found incredibly telling.  She met the guys mom.  She lived in England, and actually met her by accident.  Anyway, she said that when she met her, she was absolutely lovely to her , and that she was so happy that her possible future mother in law was such a delight.  But, that just a few months later, the mother hated her and she felt was actively trying to sabotage the relationship.  Now, this is how I see it.  The mom meets this girl who’s been seeing her son for some time.  The mother is polite, and does her best to make this girl feel welcome.  Then, the more she learns about what type of person she is, the less she likes her.  And, the thought of having this monster as a daughter in law starts to scare her.  Am I off here?  Anyone else seeing it this way as well?  I mean think about it.  Her WHOLE family cut her out of their lives.  Then this woman meets her, and slowly changes too.  I don’t think a person like Mimi is capable of seeing that in fact, it’s her that’s the problem.  It’s much easier to just say that everyone else is jealous, and then making up reasons why they would be.

As we were talking, I realized something incredibly important.  She doesn’t have any friends.  The entire time we talked, she’d mention several assistants, but zero friends.  In fact, when she was deciding what to wear for our date, she asked her assistant for her opinion.  Wouldn’t you ask your friends??  Then I thought back to all the pics she posted.  She posted the maximum amount allowed on the site we met which was 10.  In not a single pic was she with any friends.  That’s a red flag isn’t it??

As the night was coming to an end, she took out her phone again.  This time to show me her hot tub… her inflatable hot tub.

Yup, that’s right.  Miss I’m rich as fuck has an inflatable hot tub.  One of the ones you can order online for like 400 bucks.  Amazingly, this is one of the few times she didn’t mention how much something cost!  She was telling me how great it is when she gets to use it.  I asked why she wouldn’t use it everyday,  I definitely would!  She said it’s because the entrance to the balcony area on her condo is in her roommates bedroom.

Me:  Wait… what??  You have a roommate?

Mimi:  Uh duh, ya!  I have 2 of them.  Gotta pay the mortgage!

Me:  Oh, I just assumed you bought it for yourself to have a nice big space to yourself.

Mimi:  It’s mine.  I did buy it for myself.

Me: Ok.  But then, why not take the bedroom with the balcony.  That way you can use your inflatable hot tub anytime.

Mimi: Because it’s my roommates bedroom.

Once again, how do you argue that logic??

Maybe I’m crazy, but if you’re going to brag about how incredibly rich you are, and the amazing condo you just bought yourself, wouldn’t living alone be a thing you’d want?You’re amazingly wealthy, but need help with the mortgage?  I get it, rent is expensive.  Most of us could use some help.  HOWEVER, most of us don’t go around bragging about our success!!  She’s an enigma for sure.

We finally decided to call it a night because she said she needed to be at work at 9pm.  Really??  I didn’t bother to press her on it.  I just decided to assume it was a booty call or something.  Anyway, I decided to tell her I wanted to see her again, and she agreed.

You may be asking “Why the fuck would you want to see her again??”  Although if you are asking that, I’ll just assume you haven’t read my previous posts =)

More on Mimi next time!

–Dr. W

I think I need a hat… and a whip

I’m giving myself a goal of updating the blog a minimum of every other week.  I got a lot of love on the last post.  Thank you for that.  Knowing people are enjoying it really helps keep me motivated to write more.  Hell, truth is, even if people were writing to let me know they didn’t care for the blog (it’s happened a few times for sure) it would keep me motivated to write more.  You guys know I love a good argument!  If I ever get the therapy I need, it might be the end of the blog.  I’d be all happy and well adjusted, and meet someone and NOT screw things up.  Ugh.  I shudder just thinking about it.  Lucky for all of us, I can’t afford good therapy at the moment, so the blog lives on!

When I was doing the online dating thing before, I wasn’t really all that into it.  I’d occasionally get bored, check out a few profiles, but it always felt rather “meh”.  This time around, I’m really giving it a chance.  At least in the sense that I’m actively on the sites I signed up for at least once a day, for a minimum of 5 minutes.  And trust me, 5 minutes is more than enough time with these things.  Especially because these profiles all start to blend together.  At first, I thought I was crazy.  But then I realized that the reason these profiles all start to look similar after a while… is because THEY ARE!!!  I mean, holy fucking hell!!!  95 percent of women are into the exact same things!  And I have some proof.

If you’re a guy, and you’re having a hard time with the online dating thing (and your pics aren’t creepy or weird) then I’ll tell you all you need to say to get women to start swiping right.  Go grab a pen and some paper.  You’ll wanna write this down.  I’ll wait.

Still waiting.

Ok, seriously hurry up!

Alright, everyone ready?  Here’s what you need to say on your profile to start getting them ladies swiping right.

“I love to travel.”

THAT’S IT!!! That is all you have to say my friends.  If you’re not a complete and utter creeper, and you mention you love to travel, you’re making some connections with these ladies.  I promise you!  It’s unreal!!  I almost dare you to find a woman’s dating profile where traveling isn’t mentioned.  EVERY woman not only wants to travel, but makes sure it’s listed on her profile.  And, on the off chance she didn’t write it, she didn’t have to, because all her pics are of her at some different place on the globe!  Ladies, back me up here.  If you currently have an online dating profile, or have had one in the past, tell me you didn’t mention travel.  You can’t, can you??

Guys, just trust me on this.  Travel is your password for at least a few right swipes.  And, here’s another one.  Although this one might just be a California thing.  Hiking.  Mention how much you’re looking for someone to go hiking with.  If you hate hiking, go at least once with a friend, and make sure that friend takes several pictures of you on the trail, just to add to your profile.  Again, this particular tip might be more L.A. specific, but trust me, the ladies out here loooove their hiking!

Another thing I’ve discovered while looking for love on the interwebs, is that if a woman isn’t traveling, she’s wanting to go on adventures.  All of them.  Adventures is what they want.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here are just a few examples.

Believe me now?  Adventures.  Honestly, I think it’s pretty clear that every woman’s dream man is Indiana Jones!  Travels all over the world SPECIFICALLY for adventures!! So fellas, get your asses to Disneyland, and buy yourself the Indiana Jones hat and whip.  I mean, I guess you could buy them somewhere other than Disneyland, but why would you want to?

Yet another observation I’ve made, is that women are incredibly competitive with each other.  I mean, I guess I’ve always known that, but the reason I’m a little bit surprised, is that with the current trends going on right now in politics and society (I have many thoughts on these things, but this blog is not the place for that) it’s felt like women are really united, and supportive of one another.  However, I go from watching the news and seeing women being so united, to going online and seeing sooo many profiles talk about how they are NOT like other girls.  And not in a “hey, I’m unique because…” sort of way.  More of a “Girls suck, but I’m different because…” kind of way.

I don’t feel like I’m explaining it properly.

In reading these profiles, it just tends to feel kind of ugly, and mean.  What I find so incredibly interesting though, is that as different as these girls are trying to convince you that they are, so many of them say exactly the same things!  They all have the same examples as to why they are not only different than “other” girls, but far superior to them.  Things I see posted all the time are “I’m not a regular girl.  I love whiskey, and I’ll drink you under the table!”  I can’t tell you how much I see that one.  These girls are convinced that they are incredibly unique because they drink whiskey.  And it really feels like it’s incredibly important to them that guys know how cool that makes them.  Another one, is that girls think they are unique, or special, and again, superior to other girls because they love sports.  “Hey guys, I’m different than other girls!  I don’t wanna go to brunch on Sunday.  I’ll be at the bar rooting for my (insert whatever football team is popular at the moment)”  There are other examples, but I think you get the point.

All in all, it just makes me sad.  The reason is, when a girl says this stuff, and tries to stand out and show that she isn’t a “typical” girl, it’s done in a way that makes it seem that being a girl is a bad thing.  She doesn’t want to be associated with other girls.  She is  different.  She is better.  She recognizes that girls suck, but you don’t have to worry about that with her, because she’s one of the “cool” ones.  It’s just really disappointing that so many girls feel that in order to stand out, they need to put other women down to do it.  To make it seem that being a woman is an icky thing.  To try to make themselves more “male” (or what they consider more male) in order to be wanted.

This may come off as pandering, but that isn’t my intent.  I love women.  I truly do.  I’ve always related more to women.  In my adult life, my best and closest friends have been women.  I hope that at some point, I start to see less and less of those types of profiles.  I wanna see more of women who don’t feel the need to put down their own gender in order to get the attention of a man.  I love for this blog to be lighthearted and fun, but one thing I always want this blog to be, is a place for me to share my most honest thoughts when it comes to dating, and this is how I’m feeling at the moment.

Again, I don’t want to get too serious on this blog.  But I must say, that right now is a very interesting time to be living.  There is a real chance for changes to be made in the way that women are viewed and treated.  However, those changes can’t be made until women believe, truly believe that they are equals.  When women can learn to love themselves enough that they can elevate themselves without having to put other women down, then I think that’s when real change can begin.

If you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, and you think your profile is like one of the ones I’ve described, ask yourself why you wrote it.  Maybe you agree with me.  Maybe you think I’m full of Oscar Mayer (bologna)  Either way, I’d love to hear from you.

So, I’m guessing that might have been a little too heavy for some of you.  If so, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite profiles I’ve come across during my “adventures”.

I mean, is she great, or is she great?!  She was really flippin cute too!! Unfortunately, if she came across my profile, she didn’t swipe right.

Bitch.  😉

(see what I did there?)

–Dr. W.

 

My date from Uranus

I’d like to start off by saying that after reading this post, most of you are likely not gonna be on my side on this one.  I’m ok with that.  I think the majority of you reading this are rational human beings… and I have a feeling I’m being a bit irrational here.  But I didn’t start this blog to have anyone agree with me or take my side… just to share the ridiculous things that happen to me while dating in this lovely city of Angels.

Now, in having read previous posts, I’m certain many of you can clearly see why I’m single.  Sometimes it was the girl being a loon.  But, I think many times it might just be that I’m not completely right in the head.  My insane love of Resting Bitch Face (RBF for those of you not in the know) just proves that.

Ok, so on to the date.  I’m gonna name this girl Rosarita.  Like the girl on the canned refried beans they sell.  If you’re not familiar, here it is…

The reason for the name will become clear later.

I met Rosarita thru a mutual friend.  I was helping out a friend with something.  He’s involved in acting, and I was doing a little coaching.  When I got to his place, he and his roommate had some people over.  She was one of those people.  I remember I was actually pretty hard on him that night.  He wasn’t very prepared, and it annoyed me that I was wasting my time.  I mean, if you’re gonna have me come by, at least be fully memorized, know what I mean?  Anyway, I was giving him a hard time all night, but not in a super mean way (which I can totally do btw)  I was playful… but in a way where he still knew I was annoyed.  I spent some time helping as best I could, and then I left.  I was actually super anti-social.  I don’t even remember saying goodbye to any of the people there.

I think it was a few days later that he tells me that one of the girls there was asking about me.  Wanted to know how he met me, and if I was single.  I was pretty surprised because I remember I went over that day looking less than stellar.  And by less than stellar, I mean foul.  I hadn’t shaved.  I was wearing clothes that were on their 3rd use without a wash (stop judging me… you’ve all done it) and a ratty ballcap.

Now, I started trying to think back to who was there that night.  I remember there were 3 girls I saw.  2 were cute, and the 3rd looked like a female version of me.  And when I say she looked like a female version of me, I mean me now.  Not the me from years ago that was thin, and dare I say, downright delicious!  If I you could see what I looked like when I was younger and thinner, you’d understand why some guys become gay!  Just sayin  😉

Of course, I assumed that the girl who was asking about me was the female me.  But my friend, and I kinda love him for this, immediately let me know that it wasn’t her.  I won’t say exactly how he worded it, but it was definitely less than kind.  And I’m an asshole for having laughed as hard as I did, but again, I’m not here to put my best foot forward.  I want to show it all.  Faults included.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Looks aren’t ALL that matter.  And ya, I get that… but they definitely matter.  So, now that I knew it wasn’t her, he had my attention.  I was asking a lot of questions, but mostly because I was really surprised.  I mean, I looked awful that night.  I was super anti-social, and, I was pretty mean to him as I was coaching him.  I was doing it in a funny way I suppose, but anyone paying attention could definitely see that I wasn’t pleased, and pretty annoyed.  However, it made me think back to something someone once told me (actually, it was a male stalker I once had, but that’s a story for another post)  He told me that it actually annoyed him that people fell for my salty charm.  Haha.  I’ve always kinda loved that.  And I do have a tendency to do that.  I’m kind of a dick, but I do it in a playful way, and I’m lucky that some people tend to like it.  I was wondering if that was what Rosarita liked.  Apparently though, that wasn’t the case.  According to him, she like that I was so sweet.

Umm… excuse me?

Is this girl for real??  I was several things that night, and sweet was definitely not one of them.  Is this chic from an alien planet?  I really couldn’t figure it out.  But hey, who am I to complain.  A cute girl thinks I’m sweet and wants to get to know me?  SURE!!  Plus, if she thinks I’m sweet when I’m actually being a bit of a dick, that might come in handy if we start dating!

I tell him to give her my info, and we decide to meet up.  This was right before the holidays, so trying to find a time that worked for both of us was difficult.  We ended up having a quick date just to get to know each other a little.  I had to ask what exactly she found sweet about the way I was behaving the night she saw me.  She said she thought it was sweet that even though I was clearly annoyed, I was still trying really hard to help him improve.  She said she could tell I was really listening when he said his lines, and that I really cared about him getting better.  Plus, she thought I gave him good notes.  This struck me as funny because I remember being VERY annoyed that there were people there.  I don’t like working in front of others.  I tend to be very insecure.  I didn’t want to be helping him, and then have them chime in with their own ideas.  I know, I sound like a dictator, but it’s just how I am when I’m coaching.  There are certain scenarios where I think group efforts are fine.  That night wasn’t one of them.  I know that that group is all actors in the making, and I was not in the mood to hear what they had to say.  If you’re not familiar with my stance on actors and actresses, read some of the previous posts (or just keep reading. I’m sure I won’t be able to avoid stating my aversion to such people)

OH!!  Something I forgot to mention earlier, and it’s pretty important.  Rosarita is young.  Like, really young.  She is only 22. I myself am older than that.  How much older you ask?
Shut up.
All you need to know is that it’s old enough to make me take a quick pause when she told me she was 22.

Our 2nd date wasn’t really a date.  She had a couple of friends who were doing an improv show.  She convinced me to go.

I. Hate. Improv.

I feel I need to repeat.

I. Hate. Improv.  (ya, the 2nd one felt even better)

People who are good at improvisation, kudos to you.  I know it’s a valuable skill to have if you’re trying to go into acting.  I love Saturday Night Live, and I know a large majority of the people on that show have an improv background.  However, I dread improv shows.  I just hate so much about them. I hate the overwhelming loud fake energy when the actors take the stage.  The self indulgence that tends to go on so many times (For example, when they use an inside joke… ugh! We’re not on the inside you a-holes!)  And what I hate most of all, the insistence of audience participation.  I swear, it’s the fucking worst!  If you’ve ever been to an improv show, you know what I’m talking about.  The people on stage are so overly excited about everything, then you hear the dreaded words “We need some help from somebody in the audience!”  And it seems they ALWAYS want the person trying their damnedest to avoid eye contact.  What these dickholes fail to realize is, not everyone is like them.  They assume that just because they want the attention on them every moment of every day, we all must want the same thing!  They think they are doing us a favor by getting us on stage.  They aren’t.  I feel like I paid money to be entertained, not to provide the entertainment.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.  Anyway, the show was awful.  And, even though I think I’m a pretty good liar, there are certain things I can’t lie about.  Small things.  If someone asks my opinion on something, I feel the need to tell the truth.  My reason is, if I lie, then when I tell the truth, it carries much less weight, know what I mean?  I think compliments are important, and I want it known that when I give a compliment, it’s REALLY how I feel.

We all went to eat afterwards, and of course I was asked if I liked the show.  I was honest, while doing my best not to be cruel.  I finally just had to say I didn’t really care for improv.  One of the actors seemed particularly annoyed by that answer.

Crappy Improv Guy:  How can you give advice on acting when you don’t even like improv?

Me:  Because they are 2 different skill sets.  Just because they are both performance arts, doesn’t mean you have to like both.  I’m sure there are swimmers out there who don’t care for diving.  Are you telling me that just because they both involve a pool, they have to like both?

Crappy Improv Guy: That’s a terrible example.

Me: Actually, it’s a spot on example.  I’m not really sure I could find a more perfect example.

Now, was a being a dick?  Absolutely.

Did I like the fact I was being a dick?  You’d better believe it.

I was finally asked by someone else straight up if I liked the show.  I didn’t say yes or no.  I let them know that there were a couple of funny lines, but that there were times I just didn’t get it.  I asked if there were a lot of inside jokes (because there were several times when one of the actors in a scene would say something that made no sense, and all the actors not in the scene would laugh like maniacs)  They admitted that ya, they were laughing at inside jokes.  I told them that as someone who paid money to see the show, it’s not really fun to watch them just crack each other up.  They could do that without me being in the audience.

I admit I did feel a little bad cuz things definitely got awkward after that.  I mean, they kept pressing me to find out what I thought.  And, instead of heaping praise on them (which is what I think they were fully expecting because I’m pretty sure it’s what everyone else does for them) they got an honest answer.

A bit later I said my goodbyes, and was ready to order an Uber, when Rosarita came out and offered me a ride home.  I didn’t want her to have to leave her friends, but she said she didn’t mind.  I apologized for making the evening awkward, but I explained that I have a painfully difficult time being phony.  I told her I wasn’t trying to be cruel with my comments (except with Crappy Improv Guy) but that I felt they kept asking, so I had to be honest with what I thought.  She understood, but she also let me know that she wants to try to get into acting, and she likes these people a lot.

That was disappointing.

We had another date planned, but I ended up house sitting kinda last minute, so I had to cancel.  We finally planned another for last Saturday night.  As the day got closer, she asked if we could go see her friends play.  She said we could just go, and then leave right away to do our own thing.  I was sooo not down to do this.  I already went to an improv show, now I gotta sit thru a play??

On the one hand, it’s kinda sweet that she doesn’t mind showing me off to her friends.
But on the other hand… fuck that!  I just sat thru an improv show.  I said I’d be down to see her after the show is over.  She said she really wanted me to go.  And that with me there, it would be a perfect excuse to leave.  Cuz we had plans for after the show.

I explained that was an awful idea!  Her friends probably already hate my guts after the improv incident, now I’m gonna be the reason she can’t hang out with them after their play?  No thanks!  She tried to make me feel a little guilty about flaking on the date we had when I ended up house sitting instead.  It didn’t work though.  Normally it would’ve, but I’m starting to get the feeling that these friends are a HUGE part of her life, and if we start seeing each other, it’ll mean they are a huge part of mine.

Ya, no thank you on that.

We didn’t communicate much after that.  Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to go over and just hang out.  She didn’t feel like going out, but wanted to see me.  She said we could just binge watch something.  I liked the spontaneity of it, so I agreed.

I get to her place, and she answered the door in her pajamas.  I thought it was sooo cute.  I’ve probably said this before, but I really like it when girls do that.  I think so many girls look great in just simple sweats, hair up, no bra, no make up… just comfy, know what I mean?  She looked adorable, and I was really glad I went over… until I walked in the door. 2 of her friends were there as well.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Look, it’s not like I was expecting something to go down.  I really wasn’t.  I liked the idea of just a night of she and I hanging out.  I didn’t expect to have to be around other people.  I think the look on my face showed how annoyed I was.  They let me know they’d be leaving as soon as they finished whatever they were watching.

I went over and sat on the couch with her.  As the friends were watching the show, she and I just chatted in a bit of a whisper.  It was actually nice.  She seemed very comfortable around me, and kind of cuddled a bit.  The show they were watching ended, and the friends were getting ready to leave.  She told me to scroll around Netflix and find something for the 2 of us to watch.  She got up to make popcorn.  I’m saying goodbye to the friends (super happy to see them go) and as Rosarita is walking back with the popcorn… she let’s out the MEANEST fart!!!

…

……

………

I think the world just instantly stopped for me for a second.

I had a myriad of thoughts race thru my head.  I’ll do my best to explain what they were.

First:  Did she seriously just fucking do that???!!!

Second:  Is it at all possible it wasn’t her?  Could it have been a sonic boom??

Third:  Why the fuck would she do that???

Fourth:  How can someone so tiny make a sound that loud??

Fifth?  Did she just set off the car alarm I’m now hearing outside??

The friends found this HILARIOUS!!!  For a split second I think “Should I be laughing too??”

Rosarita says “Aww man, I had Mexican food today.  I knew that was coming!”

WHAT???  You KNEW you’d be gassy, and you invite my ass (no pun intended) over?  Are you kidding me???

She goes over to say goodbye to the friends, and now I’m alone with Mount Saint Helens (btw, if you don’t get that reference, look it up cuz it’s funny, and I’m proud of it!)

Ok, so I’m still wondering how I’m supposed to react.  I think what is throwing me off is the reaction of the friends.  They seemed SO ok with it.  It now has me questioning if I’m overreacting.  Also throwing me off, is the fact that she seemed so incredibly ok with doing it.  Am I crazy here??

Well, I know I definitely don’t want to sit anywhere near her.  She comes over and sits right next to me again, and I’m just frozen.

She was talking, and I’m not kidding you, I didn’t hear a word she said.  she finally asked me what was wrong.  I swear I didn’t know what to say.

I feel awful about this, but I just told her I suddenly wasn’t feeling great (which was totally true) and I ordered a car and I left.  I didn’t give much of an explanation. She looked so confused.  I just kept apologizing, but said I needed to go.  She just said she hoped I felt better, and that I should call her.  She came by to give me a hug goodbye, and I gave the lamest hug ever given.  I was just afraid to squeeze something else out!!

Look, I know some of you are probably judging me.  Well, judge away.  I know what you’re gonna say.  “What’s the big deal?  Everyone does it!”  “Don’t be ridiculous.  You do it too.” “It’s a natural function, get over it.”

I hear what you’re saying.  However, to that I say, “EEWWWWW!!!”

I know everyone does it, but most of us do it in the bathroom, or, if not in the bathroom, we do it when we’re completely alone.  AND, even then we feel the appropriate level of shame!

I’ve discussed this with my best friend, and we both have the same stance on this.  Don’t do it in front of me.  What my best friend said, is that if a guy does it in front of her, it’s a total turn off.  It says to her that the guy is no longer making an effort to impress her.

I feel EXACTLY the same way.  I mean, we’ve barely seen each other.  And she’s already comfortable enough to do that??  I didn’t mind her being comfortable enough to be in pjs with no make up on basically our third date.  In fact, I found it adorable.  But comfortable enough to let toxic gas escape from her anus?  NO!!!

If it had been an accident… maybe.  But, based on the reaction of her friends, and her total lack of embarrassment, led me to believe this is just something she does.

I’m not ok with that.  It’s way too early.  You should still be trying to impress me.  What’s next, you gonna go #2 in front of me with the door open??  (I know some couples who do this, and if that’s what it takes to make a lasting relationship, I’ll gladly stay single)

I have an ex who is now married.  She and her husband have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.  She told me a while back, that they have their own bathroom each.  They don’t even share the bathroom!  That’s how much she wants to keep those functions separate.  And you know what, she’s right!!  I don’t wanna know what’s doing!  I want a girl who thinks like my ex does when it comes to that.  In fact, if I ever make REAL money, I not only want a separate bathroom, I want a separate house for that!  I want to be able to enjoy a bean burrito and not worry about putting someone thru the aftermath of said burrito.  And, if I can’t afford a separate house for it, at least find a way to soundproof the bathroom.

Look, I know that if you end up in a meaningful relationship, they say you need to be able to share everything with your partner.  I have to disagree.  I don’t wanna share that.  I mean, if I was with someone for a long time, and she had the flu or something, then ya, I’m ok with you letting a few rip while you’re sick in bed.  And I’ll stay right there feeding you chicken soup, and rubbing your head until you feel better. However, if you’re feeling fine, get your ass up, and get to a safe area to do that!  I promise to do the same for you!

Rosarita texted me twice today, and I haven’t responded.  I think I need to just man up, and let her know why I freaked out.  I’m just not ready to do that yet.

I guess that technically, I’m in the wrong on this one.  I should’ve just explained last night while I was there.  But it was such a weird topic to discuss… and quite frankly, I was afraid of another explosion!

So what do you think readers?  Am I way overreacting… or is she just nasty?  I’d love your thought on this.  Feel free to comment below.

–Dr. W.

I’ve missed you!

It is beyond ridiculous that it’s been over six months since I’ve updated.  To the 4 of you that have kept on me to get back on this, I REALLY appreciate it.  Nice to know some of you enjoy my misadventures in dating.

Instead of giving you a million excuses as to why I’ve been away so long, I’ll just get right to the stories… although I do have to share that I actually started again a few weeks ago, and accidentally deleted everything.  It sucked soooo hard, and I still don’t know how I managed to do that.

I’ll start with a story from years ago.  I think this is from about a decade ago or so.  This is the story of Pretentious Pam.  I met Pam at one of the jobs I had at the time.  I was the morning guy at a little coffee shop.  Even though I don’t drink coffee, I really dug that job.  Made some friends I’m still close to, and it was really easy to meet women.  Every woman needs her coffee, so they HAD to come to me! Pam would come in ever so often.  She was by no means a regular.  There was just something about her that made her stand out to me.  It was something in her face.  She wasn’t exceptional looking by any means.  In fact, she was rather plain (which I tend to like)  It wasn’t like she had great Resting Bitch Face (which you all know I’m a huge fan of) but, she had this confidence.  I don’t think I was the only one who noticed it.  When she’d be waiting for her coffee, I’d notice other guys kinda checking her out too.  There was something there.

She came in so rarely that when she came in for like the 4th time, I realized it could possibly be some time before she came in again, so I took my shot.  I made some small talk, and got her laughing.  I tried to get her number, but she turned me down.  Well, sorta turned me down.  She made fun of me for asking for her number.  I wish I could remember exactly how she worded it, but it was something like “Oh, so now that you think you’ve been charming and made me laugh, you think I’m just gonna give you my number now? Maybe that works with these other girls.”

First off… OUCH!  And 2nd, hell yes it’s worked with other girls!  She was so condescending about it though.  I didn’t really understand that.  It’s almost like she was offended that I was asking for her number while I was at work.  Like I was supposed to make a bigger deal about it or something… or make a production out of it.  I’m at work… I find something about you interesting, and I’d like your number to see if I can get to know you better.  What’s so crazy about that??  At work is the only place I see her.  Where else was I going to ask.  What sucks is, her shitty condescending reply made me even MORE interested… because I’m stupid.

She let me know that she’d be back and then walked away. I had no idea if she meant she’d be back in a moment, or another day.  So of course for the rest of my shift, I looked like a dog in a parked car getting super excited every time anyone walked by.  Pathetic.

She came in the next week at the exact same time.  This is the quickest she’d ever come back in.  I was making her drink, and I felt very uncomfortable now.  I didn’t know if I should make small talk or not.  She’d already shot me down before, and made me feel like a total boob in the process, so I didn’t know what to say.  I just made her drink and handed it to her.  I simply said hello, and wished her a good day.  She said something like “Oh, so I don’t get the charming one today?”

This bitch.

Me: “Well, last time we chatted you seemed offended that I asked for your number, so I figured I was better off not bothering you”

Pam: “I wasn’t offended that you asked for my number.  I just found it funny that it’s probably worked on these other girls”

First of all, what the hell does she mean about “these other girls”??  I find that when girls make comments like that, it’s a way to elevate themselves above other women.  I mean, what is so crazy about asking for someones number?  And what does she mean “it’s worked”?  Ya, when you ask for someone’s number, they say yes, or no.  It’s simple.  That’s like me making fun of her for ordering a coffee!  “Oh, so you just come in, order a coffee, pay some money and expect to get a coffee?  I’m sure that works with those other coffee shops!”

Me: “Yes, as a matter of fact, it does work on other girls.  You act as if it’s some sort of scam.  I ask for a number, and it’s up to the other person if they want to give it to me or not.  I asked, and you chose not to give it to me.  No need to make fun of me about it.”

Pam: (Laughing as she says it) “So sensitive!”

I hate her.
And of course it’s making me want her more.
Have I mentioned I’m stupid?

Pam: “You give up too easily.  I told you I’d be back”

Me: “Ohhh.  Now I understand.  You didn’t have a phone last week, so that’s why you couldn’t give me your number.  But now you have one and couldn’t wait to come back and give me the number!”

Pam: “Oh, so he’s funny again”

It was actually really busy at the moment, so it was hard to keep the conversation going.  I decided to turn things around on her.  I told her that if she was interested in getting to know me better, to give me a call, and I gave her MY number.  I was getting the vibe that she is one of those girls that will make a guy jump through hoops.  Giving her my number took that power from her, and forced her to make a decision instead of toying with me.

Predictably, she waited a few days before calling me.  I actually knew she’d call.  I kinda felt like I was starting to figure her out.  I knew she was loving the fact I was into her, and she wouldn’t wanna give that up… but I also knew she would wait a couple of days.  This way, she would still feel in control.  She couldn’t call too soon, or else she would signal that she was diggin me.  Plus, I’m sure in her mind, she pictured me waiting by the phone hoping she’d call or text.  Just wasn’t the case.  I was on to her game… and I was determined to win. I’m weird like that.  I still wanted her… but mostly because I wanted to win now.

Maybe you’re asking “win what?”  And that’s a fair question.  If you’re asking yourself that question, it’s probably because you’re a good person.  I on the other hand, am a sick and twisted person. I feel like this girl was playing a bit of a game with me.  A game I was not going to allow her to win. The whole waiting a week and still not giving me her number… and giving me a hard time about asking.  It was clear she was interested too, but was gonna make me jump through hoops.

As we spoke, I told her I’d love to get together.  However, I was still determined to win.  So, I told her that she would have to plan the first date.  I didn’t want to be accused of planning something that’s “worked on the other girls”.

I paid the price.  She chose a vegetarian restaurant.  And she wasn’t even a vegetarian… just evil.

The date didn’t go well.  First of all, I was really hungry.  And the fact that we were going to a vegetarian restaurant was a total surprise.  Had I known in advance, I’d have had a double double prior to seeing her.

So, now I’m starving… I got rabbit food in front of me, and I’m slowly starting to hate this chic.  I was pissed she chose this place (but i had myself to blame for that) and the way she talked was starting to drive me crazy.  I was so cranky and hungry that all of a sudden, I didn’t really care about winning.  All I could focus on was how incredibly pretentious she was.

You wanna know a habit that I’ve noticed in MANY pretentious people?  They seem unable to use contractions.  As if they think that not using contractions makes them sound smarter.  It’s the dumbest fuckin thing!

For example…

Me: “I think I’m gonna go with pasta.  Seems to be the most filling thing.  You’ve eaten here before.  Is the pasta good?”

Pam:  “If that is what you desire, you should get the pasta”

If that is what you desire??  How’s about just saying if THAT’S what you want??  AND, you didn’t even answer my question about the pasta being any good!!

This shit went on ALL night!!  No contractions used.  AT ALL!!

Instead of “it’s” I got “it is”

Instead of “haven’t” I got “have not”

Instead of “Shouldn’t” I got “should not”

It may seem like a small detail, but, my loyal readers I promise you, a full night of this is enough to drive you batty!

I finally called her on it.

Me: “What is it that you have against contractions?”

Pam: “This is just that manner in which I choose to speak.  I love words.  I think words are beautiful.  Why not use the full word when given the chance?  What is everyone in such a rush for?”

I felt like saying “Well, I’m in a rush to finish up this shitty date!  Oh, sorry.  I meant to say I AM in a rush to finish this shitty date!”

She was a bore.  I just couldn’t get into it.  A pretentious peckerhead that was seriously in denial about who she was.  I think she viewed herself as worldly because she’d been to Europe once.  She never finished college (which I don’t  judge her for) except for the fact that she kept going on and on about how school wasn’t necessary (Sorry, I meant to say, school WAS NOT necessary.  Words are beautiful.  No need for the contraction)  She said there is so much more to learn by just being in and observing the world.  She kept feeding me these heaping piles of BS all night long.  It was pretty clear to me that she was self conscious about not finishing school, but had to overcompensate by carrying on about how she doesn’t need it.

Maybe she was fooling herself, but she wasn’t fooling me.  It was actually kinda sad.  She wasn’t who she wanted to be (at least in my opinion) but she was trying her hardest to convince people she was.

Such a disappointing date.  I really thought we would be sparring all night.  But in a fun way.  Like I’ve said before, I’m kinda twisted.  I like the games that come with dating.  I really do.  Don’t get me wrong, I like sweet girls too… but there is something so hot to me about a woman I kinda have to work for.  I enjoy the challenge of it.  But maybe that’s my problem.  Once I’ve conquered the challenge, 9 times out of 10, I lose interest afterwards.  Who knows.

That was my one and only date with Pam.  She came into the coffee shop a couple more times.  I even considered maybe trying one more time, but I just never got bored enough to do so.

That’s it.  Not the longest post, but a good way for me to get back on track. Thanks for reading this.  And a big thanks to those of you who’ve pressured me to get back into this.  I hope to never been gone this long again!

Goodnight all.

 

–Dr. W