My date from Uranus

I’d like to start off by saying that after reading this post, most of you are likely not gonna be on my side on this one.  I’m ok with that.  I think the majority of you reading this are rational human beings… and I have a feeling I’m being a bit irrational here.  But I didn’t start this blog to have anyone agree with me or take my side… just to share the ridiculous things that happen to me while dating in this lovely city of Angels.

Now, in having read previous posts, I’m certain many of you can clearly see why I’m single.  Sometimes it was the girl being a loon.  But, I think many times it might just be that I’m not completely right in the head.  My insane love of Resting Bitch Face (RBF for those of you not in the know) just proves that.

Ok, so on to the date.  I’m gonna name this girl Rosarita.  Like the girl on the canned refried beans they sell.  If you’re not familiar, here it is…

The reason for the name will become clear later.

I met Rosarita thru a mutual friend.  I was helping out a friend with something.  He’s involved in acting, and I was doing a little coaching.  When I got to his place, he and his roommate had some people over.  She was one of those people.  I remember I was actually pretty hard on him that night.  He wasn’t very prepared, and it annoyed me that I was wasting my time.  I mean, if you’re gonna have me come by, at least be fully memorized, know what I mean?  Anyway, I was giving him a hard time all night, but not in a super mean way (which I can totally do btw)  I was playful… but in a way where he still knew I was annoyed.  I spent some time helping as best I could, and then I left.  I was actually super anti-social.  I don’t even remember saying goodbye to any of the people there.

I think it was a few days later that he tells me that one of the girls there was asking about me.  Wanted to know how he met me, and if I was single.  I was pretty surprised because I remember I went over that day looking less than stellar.  And by less than stellar, I mean foul.  I hadn’t shaved.  I was wearing clothes that were on their 3rd use without a wash (stop judging me… you’ve all done it) and a ratty ballcap.

Now, I started trying to think back to who was there that night.  I remember there were 3 girls I saw.  2 were cute, and the 3rd looked like a female version of me.  And when I say she looked like a female version of me, I mean me now.  Not the me from years ago that was thin, and dare I say, downright delicious!  If I you could see what I looked like when I was younger and thinner, you’d understand why some guys become gay!  Just sayin  😉

Of course, I assumed that the girl who was asking about me was the female me.  But my friend, and I kinda love him for this, immediately let me know that it wasn’t her.  I won’t say exactly how he worded it, but it was definitely less than kind.  And I’m an asshole for having laughed as hard as I did, but again, I’m not here to put my best foot forward.  I want to show it all.  Faults included.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Looks aren’t ALL that matter.  And ya, I get that… but they definitely matter.  So, now that I knew it wasn’t her, he had my attention.  I was asking a lot of questions, but mostly because I was really surprised.  I mean, I looked awful that night.  I was super anti-social, and, I was pretty mean to him as I was coaching him.  I was doing it in a funny way I suppose, but anyone paying attention could definitely see that I wasn’t pleased, and pretty annoyed.  However, it made me think back to something someone once told me (actually, it was a male stalker I once had, but that’s a story for another post)  He told me that it actually annoyed him that people fell for my salty charm.  Haha.  I’ve always kinda loved that.  And I do have a tendency to do that.  I’m kind of a dick, but I do it in a playful way, and I’m lucky that some people tend to like it.  I was wondering if that was what Rosarita liked.  Apparently though, that wasn’t the case.  According to him, she like that I was so sweet.

Umm… excuse me?

Is this girl for real??  I was several things that night, and sweet was definitely not one of them.  Is this chic from an alien planet?  I really couldn’t figure it out.  But hey, who am I to complain.  A cute girl thinks I’m sweet and wants to get to know me?  SURE!!  Plus, if she thinks I’m sweet when I’m actually being a bit of a dick, that might come in handy if we start dating!

I tell him to give her my info, and we decide to meet up.  This was right before the holidays, so trying to find a time that worked for both of us was difficult.  We ended up having a quick date just to get to know each other a little.  I had to ask what exactly she found sweet about the way I was behaving the night she saw me.  She said she thought it was sweet that even though I was clearly annoyed, I was still trying really hard to help him improve.  She said she could tell I was really listening when he said his lines, and that I really cared about him getting better.  Plus, she thought I gave him good notes.  This struck me as funny because I remember being VERY annoyed that there were people there.  I don’t like working in front of others.  I tend to be very insecure.  I didn’t want to be helping him, and then have them chime in with their own ideas.  I know, I sound like a dictator, but it’s just how I am when I’m coaching.  There are certain scenarios where I think group efforts are fine.  That night wasn’t one of them.  I know that that group is all actors in the making, and I was not in the mood to hear what they had to say.  If you’re not familiar with my stance on actors and actresses, read some of the previous posts (or just keep reading. I’m sure I won’t be able to avoid stating my aversion to such people)

OH!!  Something I forgot to mention earlier, and it’s pretty important.  Rosarita is young.  Like, really young.  She is only 22. I myself am older than that.  How much older you ask?
Shut up.
All you need to know is that it’s old enough to make me take a quick pause when she told me she was 22.

Our 2nd date wasn’t really a date.  She had a couple of friends who were doing an improv show.  She convinced me to go.

I. Hate. Improv.

I feel I need to repeat.

I. Hate. Improv.  (ya, the 2nd one felt even better)

People who are good at improvisation, kudos to you.  I know it’s a valuable skill to have if you’re trying to go into acting.  I love Saturday Night Live, and I know a large majority of the people on that show have an improv background.  However, I dread improv shows.  I just hate so much about them. I hate the overwhelming loud fake energy when the actors take the stage.  The self indulgence that tends to go on so many times (For example, when they use an inside joke… ugh! We’re not on the inside you a-holes!)  And what I hate most of all, the insistence of audience participation.  I swear, it’s the fucking worst!  If you’ve ever been to an improv show, you know what I’m talking about.  The people on stage are so overly excited about everything, then you hear the dreaded words “We need some help from somebody in the audience!”  And it seems they ALWAYS want the person trying their damnedest to avoid eye contact.  What these dickholes fail to realize is, not everyone is like them.  They assume that just because they want the attention on them every moment of every day, we all must want the same thing!  They think they are doing us a favor by getting us on stage.  They aren’t.  I feel like I paid money to be entertained, not to provide the entertainment.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.  Anyway, the show was awful.  And, even though I think I’m a pretty good liar, there are certain things I can’t lie about.  Small things.  If someone asks my opinion on something, I feel the need to tell the truth.  My reason is, if I lie, then when I tell the truth, it carries much less weight, know what I mean?  I think compliments are important, and I want it known that when I give a compliment, it’s REALLY how I feel.

We all went to eat afterwards, and of course I was asked if I liked the show.  I was honest, while doing my best not to be cruel.  I finally just had to say I didn’t really care for improv.  One of the actors seemed particularly annoyed by that answer.

Crappy Improv Guy:  How can you give advice on acting when you don’t even like improv?

Me:  Because they are 2 different skill sets.  Just because they are both performance arts, doesn’t mean you have to like both.  I’m sure there are swimmers out there who don’t care for diving.  Are you telling me that just because they both involve a pool, they have to like both?

Crappy Improv Guy: That’s a terrible example.

Me: Actually, it’s a spot on example.  I’m not really sure I could find a more perfect example.

Now, was a being a dick?  Absolutely.

Did I like the fact I was being a dick?  You’d better believe it.

I was finally asked by someone else straight up if I liked the show.  I didn’t say yes or no.  I let them know that there were a couple of funny lines, but that there were times I just didn’t get it.  I asked if there were a lot of inside jokes (because there were several times when one of the actors in a scene would say something that made no sense, and all the actors not in the scene would laugh like maniacs)  They admitted that ya, they were laughing at inside jokes.  I told them that as someone who paid money to see the show, it’s not really fun to watch them just crack each other up.  They could do that without me being in the audience.

I admit I did feel a little bad cuz things definitely got awkward after that.  I mean, they kept pressing me to find out what I thought.  And, instead of heaping praise on them (which is what I think they were fully expecting because I’m pretty sure it’s what everyone else does for them) they got an honest answer.

A bit later I said my goodbyes, and was ready to order an Uber, when Rosarita came out and offered me a ride home.  I didn’t want her to have to leave her friends, but she said she didn’t mind.  I apologized for making the evening awkward, but I explained that I have a painfully difficult time being phony.  I told her I wasn’t trying to be cruel with my comments (except with Crappy Improv Guy) but that I felt they kept asking, so I had to be honest with what I thought.  She understood, but she also let me know that she wants to try to get into acting, and she likes these people a lot.

That was disappointing.

We had another date planned, but I ended up house sitting kinda last minute, so I had to cancel.  We finally planned another for last Saturday night.  As the day got closer, she asked if we could go see her friends play.  She said we could just go, and then leave right away to do our own thing.  I was sooo not down to do this.  I already went to an improv show, now I gotta sit thru a play??

On the one hand, it’s kinda sweet that she doesn’t mind showing me off to her friends.
But on the other hand… fuck that!  I just sat thru an improv show.  I said I’d be down to see her after the show is over.  She said she really wanted me to go.  And that with me there, it would be a perfect excuse to leave.  Cuz we had plans for after the show.

I explained that was an awful idea!  Her friends probably already hate my guts after the improv incident, now I’m gonna be the reason she can’t hang out with them after their play?  No thanks!  She tried to make me feel a little guilty about flaking on the date we had when I ended up house sitting instead.  It didn’t work though.  Normally it would’ve, but I’m starting to get the feeling that these friends are a HUGE part of her life, and if we start seeing each other, it’ll mean they are a huge part of mine.

Ya, no thank you on that.

We didn’t communicate much after that.  Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to go over and just hang out.  She didn’t feel like going out, but wanted to see me.  She said we could just binge watch something.  I liked the spontaneity of it, so I agreed.

I get to her place, and she answered the door in her pajamas.  I thought it was sooo cute.  I’ve probably said this before, but I really like it when girls do that.  I think so many girls look great in just simple sweats, hair up, no bra, no make up… just comfy, know what I mean?  She looked adorable, and I was really glad I went over… until I walked in the door. 2 of her friends were there as well.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Look, it’s not like I was expecting something to go down.  I really wasn’t.  I liked the idea of just a night of she and I hanging out.  I didn’t expect to have to be around other people.  I think the look on my face showed how annoyed I was.  They let me know they’d be leaving as soon as they finished whatever they were watching.

I went over and sat on the couch with her.  As the friends were watching the show, she and I just chatted in a bit of a whisper.  It was actually nice.  She seemed very comfortable around me, and kind of cuddled a bit.  The show they were watching ended, and the friends were getting ready to leave.  She told me to scroll around Netflix and find something for the 2 of us to watch.  She got up to make popcorn.  I’m saying goodbye to the friends (super happy to see them go) and as Rosarita is walking back with the popcorn… she let’s out the MEANEST fart!!!

…

……

………

I think the world just instantly stopped for me for a second.

I had a myriad of thoughts race thru my head.  I’ll do my best to explain what they were.

First:  Did she seriously just fucking do that???!!!

Second:  Is it at all possible it wasn’t her?  Could it have been a sonic boom??

Third:  Why the fuck would she do that???

Fourth:  How can someone so tiny make a sound that loud??

Fifth?  Did she just set off the car alarm I’m now hearing outside??

The friends found this HILARIOUS!!!  For a split second I think “Should I be laughing too??”

Rosarita says “Aww man, I had Mexican food today.  I knew that was coming!”

WHAT???  You KNEW you’d be gassy, and you invite my ass (no pun intended) over?  Are you kidding me???

She goes over to say goodbye to the friends, and now I’m alone with Mount Saint Helens (btw, if you don’t get that reference, look it up cuz it’s funny, and I’m proud of it!)

Ok, so I’m still wondering how I’m supposed to react.  I think what is throwing me off is the reaction of the friends.  They seemed SO ok with it.  It now has me questioning if I’m overreacting.  Also throwing me off, is the fact that she seemed so incredibly ok with doing it.  Am I crazy here??

Well, I know I definitely don’t want to sit anywhere near her.  She comes over and sits right next to me again, and I’m just frozen.

She was talking, and I’m not kidding you, I didn’t hear a word she said.  she finally asked me what was wrong.  I swear I didn’t know what to say.

I feel awful about this, but I just told her I suddenly wasn’t feeling great (which was totally true) and I ordered a car and I left.  I didn’t give much of an explanation. She looked so confused.  I just kept apologizing, but said I needed to go.  She just said she hoped I felt better, and that I should call her.  She came by to give me a hug goodbye, and I gave the lamest hug ever given.  I was just afraid to squeeze something else out!!

Look, I know some of you are probably judging me.  Well, judge away.  I know what you’re gonna say.  “What’s the big deal?  Everyone does it!”  “Don’t be ridiculous.  You do it too.” “It’s a natural function, get over it.”

I hear what you’re saying.  However, to that I say, “EEWWWWW!!!”

I know everyone does it, but most of us do it in the bathroom, or, if not in the bathroom, we do it when we’re completely alone.  AND, even then we feel the appropriate level of shame!

I’ve discussed this with my best friend, and we both have the same stance on this.  Don’t do it in front of me.  What my best friend said, is that if a guy does it in front of her, it’s a total turn off.  It says to her that the guy is no longer making an effort to impress her.

I feel EXACTLY the same way.  I mean, we’ve barely seen each other.  And she’s already comfortable enough to do that??  I didn’t mind her being comfortable enough to be in pjs with no make up on basically our third date.  In fact, I found it adorable.  But comfortable enough to let toxic gas escape from her anus?  NO!!!

If it had been an accident… maybe.  But, based on the reaction of her friends, and her total lack of embarrassment, led me to believe this is just something she does.

I’m not ok with that.  It’s way too early.  You should still be trying to impress me.  What’s next, you gonna go #2 in front of me with the door open??  (I know some couples who do this, and if that’s what it takes to make a lasting relationship, I’ll gladly stay single)

I have an ex who is now married.  She and her husband have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.  She told me a while back, that they have their own bathroom each.  They don’t even share the bathroom!  That’s how much she wants to keep those functions separate.  And you know what, she’s right!!  I don’t wanna know what’s doing!  I want a girl who thinks like my ex does when it comes to that.  In fact, if I ever make REAL money, I not only want a separate bathroom, I want a separate house for that!  I want to be able to enjoy a bean burrito and not worry about putting someone thru the aftermath of said burrito.  And, if I can’t afford a separate house for it, at least find a way to soundproof the bathroom.

Look, I know that if you end up in a meaningful relationship, they say you need to be able to share everything with your partner.  I have to disagree.  I don’t wanna share that.  I mean, if I was with someone for a long time, and she had the flu or something, then ya, I’m ok with you letting a few rip while you’re sick in bed.  And I’ll stay right there feeding you chicken soup, and rubbing your head until you feel better. However, if you’re feeling fine, get your ass up, and get to a safe area to do that!  I promise to do the same for you!

Rosarita texted me twice today, and I haven’t responded.  I think I need to just man up, and let her know why I freaked out.  I’m just not ready to do that yet.

I guess that technically, I’m in the wrong on this one.  I should’ve just explained last night while I was there.  But it was such a weird topic to discuss… and quite frankly, I was afraid of another explosion!

So what do you think readers?  Am I way overreacting… or is she just nasty?  I’d love your thought on this.  Feel free to comment below.

–Dr. W.