I think I need a hat… and a whip

I’m giving myself a goal of updating the blog a minimum of every other week.  I got a lot of love on the last post.  Thank you for that.  Knowing people are enjoying it really helps keep me motivated to write more.  Hell, truth is, even if people were writing to let me know they didn’t care for the blog (it’s happened a few times for sure) it would keep me motivated to write more.  You guys know I love a good argument!  If I ever get the therapy I need, it might be the end of the blog.  I’d be all happy and well adjusted, and meet someone and NOT screw things up.  Ugh.  I shudder just thinking about it.  Lucky for all of us, I can’t afford good therapy at the moment, so the blog lives on!

When I was doing the online dating thing before, I wasn’t really all that into it.  I’d occasionally get bored, check out a few profiles, but it always felt rather “meh”.  This time around, I’m really giving it a chance.  At least in the sense that I’m actively on the sites I signed up for at least once a day, for a minimum of 5 minutes.  And trust me, 5 minutes is more than enough time with these things.  Especially because these profiles all start to blend together.  At first, I thought I was crazy.  But then I realized that the reason these profiles all start to look similar after a while… is because THEY ARE!!!  I mean, holy fucking hell!!!  95 percent of women are into the exact same things!  And I have some proof.

If you’re a guy, and you’re having a hard time with the online dating thing (and your pics aren’t creepy or weird) then I’ll tell you all you need to say to get women to start swiping right.  Go grab a pen and some paper.  You’ll wanna write this down.  I’ll wait.

Still waiting.

Ok, seriously hurry up!

Alright, everyone ready?  Here’s what you need to say on your profile to start getting them ladies swiping right.

“I love to travel.”

THAT’S IT!!! That is all you have to say my friends.  If you’re not a complete and utter creeper, and you mention you love to travel, you’re making some connections with these ladies.  I promise you!  It’s unreal!!  I almost dare you to find a woman’s dating profile where traveling isn’t mentioned.  EVERY woman not only wants to travel, but makes sure it’s listed on her profile.  And, on the off chance she didn’t write it, she didn’t have to, because all her pics are of her at some different place on the globe!  Ladies, back me up here.  If you currently have an online dating profile, or have had one in the past, tell me you didn’t mention travel.  You can’t, can you??

Guys, just trust me on this.  Travel is your password for at least a few right swipes.  And, here’s another one.  Although this one might just be a California thing.  Hiking.  Mention how much you’re looking for someone to go hiking with.  If you hate hiking, go at least once with a friend, and make sure that friend takes several pictures of you on the trail, just to add to your profile.  Again, this particular tip might be more L.A. specific, but trust me, the ladies out here loooove their hiking!

Another thing I’ve discovered while looking for love on the interwebs, is that if a woman isn’t traveling, she’s wanting to go on adventures.  All of them.  Adventures is what they want.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here are just a few examples.

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Believe me now?  Adventures.  Honestly, I think it’s pretty clear that every woman’s dream man is Indiana Jones!  Travels all over the world SPECIFICALLY for adventures!! So fellas, get your asses to Disneyland, and buy yourself the Indiana Jones hat and whip.  I mean, I guess you could buy them somewhere other than Disneyland, but why would you want to?

Yet another observation I’ve made, is that women are incredibly competitive with each other.  I mean, I guess I’ve always known that, but the reason I’m a little bit surprised, is that with the current trends going on right now in politics and society (I have many thoughts on these things, but this blog is not the place for that) it’s felt like women are really united, and supportive of one another.  However, I go from watching the news and seeing women being so united, to going online and seeing sooo many profiles talk about how they are NOT like other girls.  And not in a “hey, I’m unique because…” sort of way.  More of a “Girls suck, but I’m different because…” kind of way.

I don’t feel like I’m explaining it properly.

In reading these profiles, it just tends to feel kind of ugly, and mean.  What I find so incredibly interesting though, is that as different as these girls are trying to convince you that they are, so many of them say exactly the same things!  They all have the same examples as to why they are not only different than “other” girls, but far superior to them.  Things I see posted all the time are “I’m not a regular girl.  I love whiskey, and I’ll drink you under the table!”  I can’t tell you how much I see that one.  These girls are convinced that they are incredibly unique because they drink whiskey.  And it really feels like it’s incredibly important to them that guys know how cool that makes them.  Another one, is that girls think they are unique, or special, and again, superior to other girls because they love sports.  “Hey guys, I’m different than other girls!  I don’t wanna go to brunch on Sunday.  I’ll be at the bar rooting for my (insert whatever football team is popular at the moment)”  There are other examples, but I think you get the point.

All in all, it just makes me sad.  The reason is, when a girl says this stuff, and tries to stand out and show that she isn’t a “typical” girl, it’s done in a way that makes it seem that being a girl is a bad thing.  She doesn’t want to be associated with other girls.  She is  different.  She is better.  She recognizes that girls suck, but you don’t have to worry about that with her, because she’s one of the “cool” ones.  It’s just really disappointing that so many girls feel that in order to stand out, they need to put other women down to do it.  To make it seem that being a woman is an icky thing.  To try to make themselves more “male” (or what they consider more male) in order to be wanted.

This may come off as pandering, but that isn’t my intent.  I love women.  I truly do.  I’ve always related more to women.  In my adult life, my best and closest friends have been women.  I hope that at some point, I start to see less and less of those types of profiles.  I wanna see more of women who don’t feel the need to put down their own gender in order to get the attention of a man.  I love for this blog to be lighthearted and fun, but one thing I always want this blog to be, is a place for me to share my most honest thoughts when it comes to dating, and this is how I’m feeling at the moment.

Again, I don’t want to get too serious on this blog.  But I must say, that right now is a very interesting time to be living.  There is a real chance for changes to be made in the way that women are viewed and treated.  However, those changes can’t be made until women believe, truly believe that they are equals.  When women can learn to love themselves enough that they can elevate themselves without having to put other women down, then I think that’s when real change can begin.

If you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, and you think your profile is like one of the ones I’ve described, ask yourself why you wrote it.  Maybe you agree with me.  Maybe you think I’m full of Oscar Mayer (bologna)  Either way, I’d love to hear from you.

So, I’m guessing that might have been a little too heavy for some of you.  If so, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite profiles I’ve come across during my “adventures”.

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I mean, is she great, or is she great?!  She was really flippin cute too!! Unfortunately, if she came across my profile, she didn’t swipe right.

Bitch.  😉

(see what I did there?)

–Dr. W.

 

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Nice to… bye!

Welcome back.  Glad you’re reading this, because I’ve certainly missed writing it.

As I’d mentioned in my previous post, my father passed away.  I had a very difficult time dealing with it.  One of the many ways in which losing my dad affected me, was that I decided I just didn’t want to date for a while.  I didn’t have a set timetable or anything, I just knew I didn’t want to do it for a while.  Well, we just passed the year mark, and I’ve been feeling ready to get back out there.

I created a profile on a couple of the popular dating websites out there.  I have so much to say about the sites by the way, but I’ll save that for another post.  The important thing is, that I went on a date last night!

Just like I have a few times in the past, I went on this date, not because I was particularly eager to meet this girl, but more because I was in the mood to go on a date.  Does that ever happen to any of you?  Let me know if it has.  Anyway, I should preface this by saying, I haven’t been super excited about anyone I’ve met online yet.  Perhaps this isn’t a very nice thing to say, but I feel like I’ve sort of been settling a bit.  The fact is, I’m not a particularly attractive person.  I’m in no way saying I’m ugly, because I really don’t think I am.  But I know I definitely don’t stand out in a crowd.  Basically, I’m not turning any heads, and ladies aren’t likely to look twice at me.  I think that’s why I’ve always done better in person.  My personality and sense of humor usually help me a lot when it comes to meeting women.  Online, I just don’t have that opportunity.  It’s really based on looks.  And, at the moment, I just don’t have the type of looks that inspire women to swipe right.  I will say, I don’t blame women.  These dating apps rely quite heavily on looks, and I had let myself go more than I had actually realized.  My weight was slowly going up, until it just got to levels that actually scared me.  A few months ago, I finally got scared (and unhappy) enough that I decided to make (and stick to) some changes, and as a result, I’m currently down 42 pounds, and feeling much better.  The reality is though, that if I want to stand out in the world of online dating, I have a long way to go.  But, I’m happy enough with the progress I’ve made, and felt confident enough to create an online dating profile.

So, since I haven’t been terribly excited about anyone I’ve matched with, I decided to just go on a date with a girl I recently matched with.  Since I can’t think of a particularly clever name for her, mostly because nothing about her really stands out, we’ll just call her Jane Doe.

Jane and I made very last minute plans to meet.  There was a big fight on last night that I had really wanted to see, so I told her I could meet her after that, but that I wasn’t certain what time that would be.  She said she was ok with that.  I think I’ve said this before, but that’s a bit of a red flag for me.  I know it’s REALLY stupid, but I just kind of want to meet someone a little more in demand, know what I mean?  Like, it’s Saturday night.  You already didn’t have plans, and now you’re ok with just waiting until I’m done with mine so we can meet.  A part of me wishes she had something going on as well.  And look, I get it, we all have those weekends where we just don’t have anything going on.  I have them all the time, and quite frankly, I tend to love them.  But for some reason, when it’s just TOO easy to schedule a very last minute date with a girl, especially a first date, I dunno, something about it just rubs me wrong.  I know that’s 100% on me, and there is clearly some sort of mental thing I need to work out in therapy.  But, until I can afford the type of therapy I need (heavy) this is just how I feel.

I let Jane know the fight was over, and that I could meet up with her.  We agreed to meet at a bar.  I took a quick shower, got dressed, and Ubered there.

Dr. W:  Jane?  Hi, it’s nice to meet you.

Jane: (Rolls her eyes) Wow.  A buttoned down shirt.

Dr. W:  Oh.  You think it’s too formal?

Jane:  No.  It’s just completely unoriginal.  Every guy wears a shirt like that on a first date with me.  I wish just ONCE I could meet a guy who was more original.  It’s like there is a first date uniform all of you guys follow or something.

Dr. W:  Ok.  Well, don’t let me stand in the way of you meeting that guy.  Good luck.

Then I left.

That was it.  That was the entire date.

I can’t say that I quoted her perfectly, but that was pretty close.  I feel like I’m missing something from the “uniform” line.  Basically though, she made it quite clear that she was not only not impressed, but in fact, annoyed by what I was wearing.

Here’s the thing though, I just don’t get it.  I mean, in previous posts, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been annoyed by what a girl wore on a first date with me.  But I was annoyed because I felt there was no effort made.  I definitely made an effort.  I wore what I considered to be a nice, but not too formal buttoned down shirt, a nice pair of slacks, and nice shoes.  I wasn’t wearing a tie or anything.  My sleeves were rolled up, and I had a bit of cologne on.  Nice enough to make a good first impression, but not at all too formal for drinks.  And, let’s be honest, how many things could I have really worn??  It’s still summertime, so I’m not going to be wearing a sweater.  I didn’t feel that a t-shirt was what I wanted to make a first impression with.  And, I personally am not a fan of polo shirts.  So what exactly is wrong with a buttoned down shirt?  If buttoned down shirts are off limits for her, that doesn’t leave us with a whole lot of options… does it??  Help me out on this one ladies.  Am I missing something here?  And what in the hell does she mean by original?  You wish you could meet a guy who was more original??  So, I guess you’d have been more impressed had I left the buttoned down shirt at home, and worn my Batman cowl and cape?! Are you serious??

I wish I could tell you what she was wearing, but to be honest, I really can’t remember.  And I have a pretty superb memory.  Everything happened so quickly.  I have to be honest and admit that at times I can be pretty moody.  Someone can do or say something that rubs me wrong, and I tend to overreact.  I’ve tried (and am still attempting to) improve on this, but I know I’m not always successful.  Perhaps this was a case where I should’ve let her shitty comment go, and done my best to enjoy the evening.  But, I just didn’t want to.  We just met, and she’s letting me know in no uncertain terms, that I have failed to impress her.  All I could think was, I am not about to spend my hard earned money on buying her drinks, and somehow trying to convince her that I’m worth her time.  It just wasn’t worth it to me.

Much like I said that I really don’t stand out in a crowd, I could say the same about her.  She’s an average looking girl at best.  I can’t see too many people falling in love based on her looks.  However, a small part of me envies her confidence.  In her mind, she feels like someone really needs to impress her, and she’s not afraid to let people know that.  I don’t have that.  Part of me feels that when it comes to online dating, I need to definitely settle a bit, because I still have some work to do before a girl is gonna get excited about me.  I was having this very discussion with a friend yesterday.  She says I shouldn’t settle, but I think that when it comes to meeting someone online, I have to.  At least until I’ve made some more changes.  Jane is the exact opposite, and despite how ridiculous I think she is, I slightly envy her viewpoint.

Anyway, that was the entire date.  I apologize for not having anything more exciting for you upon my return, but I guess that’s hard to do during a date that I think was literally under a minute.  I’m definitely proud of myself for walking away the way I did though.  Was it the mature thing to do?  Perhaps not.  But it definitely made me feel good.  I valued myself enough to know that I didn’t need to spend the rest of the night trying to convince her I was worthy of her time.  Despite me respecting her confidence in herself, she could’ve worded it sooo much differently.

So, let me know if you agree.  Should I have walked away?  Or should I have tried to prove that I was worth her time and tried to save the date.  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you.

Hoping to update this regularly going forward.

–Dr. W

Final Thoughts on Dad

Before reading any further, I must warn you, this is going to be a much different post than anything you’ve seen on my blog before.  This isn’t about a date, and it won’t have much entertainment value.  This is going to be a post (a very long one) about my dad.  For those of you that read this blog, and don’t know me personally, I recently lost my father.  I know it seems strange to use a dating blog to write about the loss of my dad.  However, one thing I’ve come to love about blogging, is that there is a connection I feel when readers can relate to whatever crazy thing happened to me on one of my dates. I’m hoping that perhaps some of you can relate to some of the things I write about this evening.

Losing my dad has made me experience such an incredibly wide array of feelings.  Some, obvious and expected.  Others, very surprising.  And others still, surprising because of how obvious they were… yet they still managed to surprise me.  Perhaps that doesn’t make much sense.  Let me try to explain.  I think in the backs of our minds, we all know that at some point we will likely have to deal with the loss of our parents.  We all know that reality exists.  And for myself, I felt that by knowing that, it would make it easier to accept.  However, as cliche as this sounds, losing my father is the most painful thing I’ve ever endured.  I feel so silly that I’m actually surprised by this… but I am.  I guess it’s because since it’s something we will all eventually experience (for the most part) I’m shocked that it could hurt SOOO much.  My mind was having trouble comprehending that EVERYONE will experience pain this devastating.  I just never imagined it could hurt THIS much.  I know that’s ridiculously naive, but it honestly shocked me.

My father left us without warning.  In a way, I think maybe that’s another reason I’m having such a difficult time with all of this.  He was only 65 years old.  He was fine the night before.  Then he was gone.  Forever.

I have so much I want to say, but I have so many feelings racing through my mind, that I just don’t know where to go.  As it is, it’s taken me an hour just to write this much, because I just keep staring at the screen wondering where I should go next.  I think perhaps it would be best if I just write what I’m thinking at that moment.  My apologies in advance for this post being so all over the place.

One thing that took me by surprise, was that this whole experience made me thankful for social media.  I know social media gets a bad wrap, and deservedly so many times, but for something like the loss of a loved one, it really helped.  Like I said earlier, my fathers passing was incredibly sudden and unexpected.  He collapsed on Friday, and was officially gone on Saturday.  During that time, I had only let 3 people know what was going on.  Slowly though, word began to get around, and I started getting several calls and texts.  As much as I appreciated all the love and concern I was getting from everyone, having to fill everyone in on what was happening was definitely overwhelming.  Sunday morning, I was able to compose myself, and post on social media that my father was gone.  To be able to get the word out there all at once, to everyone at  the same time was such a relief.  I was having a hard enough time as it was, and having to give the news over and over again would have been emotionally exhausting and painful.  It was also so nice that when all of the wonderfully loving comments began to pour in, I could take my time in reading them, and really let them sink in.  When something like this happens, sometimes your mind is elsewhere, and you can’t really hear or comprehend what someone is saying, no matter how kind.  You’re just too overwhelmed in that moment.  By posting it on social media, I could read everyone’s loving and encouraging comments when my mind was ready for them.

Something else I noticed, was that you could actually tell who had lost a parent by what they wrote to you.  They didn’t have to say that they’d gone thru it themselves.  I could just tell.  That was sooo interesting to me.  It was really weird, but it felt as though I was now a member of this club that we will all eventually be a part of.  Strangely though, it also made me feel rather guilty.  Guilty because I have so many friends that have also posted about the loss of a parent, and although I would give my condolences, I feel like I never really gave it the attention (for lack of a better word) that it really deserved.  I just didn’t truly understand how their world wasn’t just sad at that moment… it was shattered.  Again, I’m so naive.  For any of you reading this who lost a parent before I did, please accept my apology for not recognizing what you were actually going thru.  But thank you for being so kind to me when I needed it.  You knew what I was experiencing, and despite the fact that I didn’t quite get it when you were going thru your pain, you didn’t let you stop it from helping me through mine.

One thing that this whole experience has given me a wide range of feelings on, is religion.  I’ve always had complicated and conflicting feelings towards organized religion.  After losing my dad, those complicated and conflicting feelings are stronger than ever before.  I myself am not religious.  I don’t believe that there is a god.  At least, not in the way organized religion says there is.  Perhaps we were created by a being or beings higher or more advanced than ourselves, but I don’t think it was by some man in the clouds who knows all and controls all.  I also don’t believe in a soul.  Personally, I feel that the concept of a soul is just humanity’s way of not fully accepting the finality of death.  But now that I’ve experienced the death of someone I loved so much, I can understand why.  The pain of knowing that person is gone forever can be too much to bear.  So I can understand the need for some people to believe in a soul, and in Heaven.  It’s comforting to think that we will somehow be reunited again.  It’s not something I believe, yet I am now thankful for.  Because it’s something my mother believes in.  And, I think if my mother didn’t believe that, this pain would be too much for her.  I honestly feel that if it weren’t for religion, she may no longer be with us.  And I mean that sincerely.  My father was my mother’s entire life.  She loved him with every part of her being.  They met as teenagers and fell in love, and have been in each others lives ever since.  My mother doesn’t know life without my father.  Her faith has helped her get by.  And in that way, I’m thankful that there is religion.  But of course there have been a few things I’ve experienced that have left a very bad taste in my mouth.  Some have been as minor as as people who know I don’t have faith, telling me that I need to believe, and pray, and go to church.  Basically, not respecting my beliefs (despite me respecting theirs).  However, there is one that was so negative for me, that even now a few weeks later, it still has me rather shocked when I think about it.  I have a friend.  We’ll call this person Casey.  I’m using the name Casey because it can be either a girl or boys name.  One day, Casey asks me how I’m doing.  Instead of just saying “fine”  I decide to trust Casey, and I admitted that I’m actually having a really difficult time.  At this point, it had been a few weeks since my father passed, and I felt like perhaps I should be doing better than I was.  I was starting to feel a little concerned that what I was feeling wasn’t normal, and maybe I needed some help.  I confided in Casey and mentioned that I began to look up grief groups online, but that the ones I’d found all took place in churches.  Now, I was by no means opposed to religious people being part of the grief group, but that I didn’t want to attend one that was based in religion.  I just didn’t feel that would help me since I’m not religious.  I was more hoping to be around people who could understand what I was feeling.  When I mentioned this to Casey, the response was “Well, if you’re going to a grief group, it would need to be based in some sort of religion.  Because if it’s not based in religion, then there is no chance for hope.  And, if there is no chance for hope, then it’s just a bunch of people sitting around complaining”

Yup.

Casey actually said these words to me.  Just to recap, I admit that I’m having a really difficult time, and I’m looking into getting help, and what I’m told is, that unless I make religion a part of that help, I have no chance of hope.  And without hope, I’m basically just “complaining” about losing my father.  It didn’t end there though.  As awful as those comments were, I did my very best to let them go.  However, just a few days later, Casey strikes again.  Now, I’ll be the first to admit that my sense of humor isn’t for everyone.  If you’ve read any of my dating stories, you’ll agree with that.  Long story short, I made a couple of jokes about my dad.  I was talking to a friend who had also lost her father.  There was a group of us talking, and Casey was part of that group.  My friend was telling a story about something I had messed up at work, and my response was “Hey, my dad just died!!”  Casey was appalled and says to me “Wow.  So I guess your dad is just a punchline now?”  I said “Listen, if I don’t find a way to laugh, I’m going to go crazy”.  I ended up making another joke, and Casey felt the need to say “This is really not cool!”  and walked away.

Again, my humor is not for everyone.  I recognize that.  However, if you know me AT ALL, you know that humor is something that is so incredibly important to me, and it’s something I’ve used my entire life to cope with things.  I think we’ve all been there.  In a painful or tense moment, where some humor is needed to break the tension, or to let our guard down and allow ourselves to breathe.  While my father was in the hospital, we had now been there for about 14 hours or so.  We were all physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  I went in to see my dad, and when I came out and walked back into the waiting room, I guess I had a really serious look on my face.  My family all instantly assumed that something was wrong.  They all began asking

“What happened?  Did the Dr. say something?  What’s going on?”

I said “No, the Dr. didn’t say anything.  I went in to dad’s room, and he suddenly woke up, looked at me and said ‘You know you’ve always been my favorite son, right?’ Then he went right back to sleep”

Even my mom laughed at that!!!  (Well, sorta. She kinda shook her head in disbelief, but she did smile)  And the rest of my family that was in the waiting room were laughing there asses off!!  My point is, is that a tasteful joke?  No.  Is it crazy inappropriate?  Absolutely!!  However, it’s also just what was needed in the moment.  We’d all been so stressed and sad… we just needed to laugh.  If just for a second.

And this is my problem with religion.  I genuinely feel that Casey is a product of religion.  And because of that, instead of just being my friend, it was far more important to judge me, and tell me what I was doing was inappropriate.  There was never a single second where Casey tried to view things from where I was coming from.  I think religion has caused Casey to be completely incapable of viewing something from someone with differing beliefs point of view.  I mean, how else can you explain saying to someone who is admitting that they are having a very difficult time with their father’s death, that unless you believe what they do, that you have no chance of hope… and that you’re just complaining about your fathers death??  It’s that kind of thinking (or lack thereof) that keeps me away from religion.  It just feels like despite what is preached in the church, judging others who are different comes before compassion and understanding.  Honestly, how else do you explain what Casey said, besides it being what is truly in Casey’s heart?  I know many of you reading this will disagree, and say that I’m generalizing.  Perhaps I am.  But this is what I’m feeling at the moment.  Maybe you agree with Casey’s comments, and you feel they were justified?  I dunno.

Once again, my sincerest apologies for this post.  It’s so long and rambling.  I have a million things I want to say, but I just can’t seem to focus.

I’ll try to wrap up with this.  It’s been nearly 3 months, and I’m still having a really difficult time with the loss of my father.  I also feel strangely guilty about feeling that.  I’ve known people who had their fathers in their lives for far less time than I did, so I should just be thankful for the time I did have.  Yet despite knowing that, I still can’t really get passed it.  I’m still also feeling guilty when I have fun.  It’s not as bad as it was before (the first few weeks, if I was having any fun at all, the guilt was incredibly strong) but it’s still there.  I loved my dad so much, but I know I need to move on.  I know that he didn’t spend his life working hard for his family, only to have us paralyzed with guilt, and remorse, and sadness once he was gone.  But at the moment, I just can’t help it.

I can’t help but think of Teddy Roosevelt right now.  He lost his wife, and mother on the same day.  In his journal, he simply wrote, “The light has gone out of my life.”

I feel like I really understand that now.  I think eventually, I will be able to move on.  But losing my father has changed me in a way I didn’t know was possible.  I will still laugh.  I will still have moments of joy and happiness.  But that joy, that laughter and happiness will never be as strong as it would’ve been if he were still here.  I lost a part of myself that day.  And it’s a part of myself I will never get back.

But I also know that I have to move forward.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to remember that he lived his life for his family, so to honor him I need to live.  I can’t let this pain and sadness keep my from the things and people I love.  As it is, tonight I skipped seeing friends whom I adore because I’ve been so depressed.

If you read this, I thank you.  I hope you found something worthwhile in it.  For those of you that know me personally, thank you for the love and support you’ve given me.  I heard from people I never thought I’d hear from again.  Perhaps that’s what I should focus on.  Some of the wonderful things that have come from this.  There were people I’d had falling outs with, that still managed to put our differences in the past aside, to send me incredible messages of support.  I’ve connected with family I hadn’t seen in years.  I’ve heard amazing stories about my dad that I had never heard before.

A huge thank you to my best friend who was amazing during all of this.  You’re a gift I just don’t deserve.

Although this was all over the place, and I didn’t touch on so many things I wanted to say, I’m glad I wrote it.  I actually feel better than before I began.

Dad, I love you.  When you left us, you took a piece of my heart with you.  I’m in so much pain without you.  Thank you for being the man you were.  It hurts me deeply to know there is so much I’ll never share with you.  I’ll never get to introduce you to the love of my life when I eventually meet her.  I’ll never get to introduce my children to their grandpa.  There are so many things I’ll never get to experience with you.  But I hope you know that I promise to honor you by living my life.  I’m in pain now, and it’s really difficult, but living a life you’d be proud of is my goal.

I never said it nearly enough while you were alive… but thank you.  For everything.  This world would be a far better place if everyone had been fortunate enough to have a father who cared for and loved his family the way you did.  I’m so sorry you left us so soon.  You deserved so much more.  I don’t believe in Heaven, but a part of me will always hope I’m wrong about that.  Because then I’d get to see you once more.

My date from Uranus

I’d like to start off by saying that after reading this post, most of you are likely not gonna be on my side on this one.  I’m ok with that.  I think the majority of you reading this are rational human beings… and I have a feeling I’m being a bit irrational here.  But I didn’t start this blog to have anyone agree with me or take my side… just to share the ridiculous things that happen to me while dating in this lovely city of Angels.

Now, in having read previous posts, I’m certain many of you can clearly see why I’m single.  Sometimes it was the girl being a loon.  But, I think many times it might just be that I’m not completely right in the head.  My insane love of Resting Bitch Face (RBF for those of you not in the know) just proves that.

Ok, so on to the date.  I’m gonna name this girl Rosarita.  Like the girl on the canned refried beans they sell.  If you’re not familiar, here it is…

Image result for rosarita beans

The reason for the name will become clear later.

I met Rosarita thru a mutual friend.  I was helping out a friend with something.  He’s involved in acting, and I was doing a little coaching.  When I got to his place, he and his roommate had some people over.  She was one of those people.  I remember I was actually pretty hard on him that night.  He wasn’t very prepared, and it annoyed me that I was wasting my time.  I mean, if you’re gonna have me come by, at least be fully memorized, know what I mean?  Anyway, I was giving him a hard time all night, but not in a super mean way (which I can totally do btw)  I was playful… but in a way where he still knew I was annoyed.  I spent some time helping as best I could, and then I left.  I was actually super anti-social.  I don’t even remember saying goodbye to any of the people there.

I think it was a few days later that he tells me that one of the girls there was asking about me.  Wanted to know how he met me, and if I was single.  I was pretty surprised because I remember I went over that day looking less than stellar.  And by less than stellar, I mean foul.  I hadn’t shaved.  I was wearing clothes that were on their 3rd use without a wash (stop judging me… you’ve all done it) and a ratty ballcap.

Now, I started trying to think back to who was there that night.  I remember there were 3 girls I saw.  2 were cute, and the 3rd looked like a female version of me.  And when I say she looked like a female version of me, I mean me now.  Not the me from years ago that was thin, and dare I say, downright delicious!  If I you could see what I looked like when I was younger and thinner, you’d understand why some guys become gay!  Just sayin  😉

Of course, I assumed that the girl who was asking about me was the female me.  But my friend, and I kinda love him for this, immediately let me know that it wasn’t her.  I won’t say exactly how he worded it, but it was definitely less than kind.  And I’m an asshole for having laughed as hard as I did, but again, I’m not here to put my best foot forward.  I want to show it all.  Faults included.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Looks aren’t ALL that matter.  And ya, I get that… but they definitely matter.  So, now that I knew it wasn’t her, he had my attention.  I was asking a lot of questions, but mostly because I was really surprised.  I mean, I looked awful that night.  I was super anti-social, and, I was pretty mean to him as I was coaching him.  I was doing it in a funny way I suppose, but anyone paying attention could definitely see that I wasn’t pleased, and pretty annoyed.  However, it made me think back to something someone once told me (actually, it was a male stalker I once had, but that’s a story for another post)  He told me that it actually annoyed him that people fell for my salty charm.  Haha.  I’ve always kinda loved that.  And I do have a tendency to do that.  I’m kind of a dick, but I do it in a playful way, and I’m lucky that some people tend to like it.  I was wondering if that was what Rosarita liked.  Apparently though, that wasn’t the case.  According to him, she like that I was so sweet.

Umm… excuse me?

Is this girl for real??  I was several things that night, and sweet was definitely not one of them.  Is this chic from an alien planet?  I really couldn’t figure it out.  But hey, who am I to complain.  A cute girl thinks I’m sweet and wants to get to know me?  SURE!!  Plus, if she thinks I’m sweet when I’m actually being a bit of a dick, that might come in handy if we start dating!

I tell him to give her my info, and we decide to meet up.  This was right before the holidays, so trying to find a time that worked for both of us was difficult.  We ended up having a quick date just to get to know each other a little.  I had to ask what exactly she found sweet about the way I was behaving the night she saw me.  She said she thought it was sweet that even though I was clearly annoyed, I was still trying really hard to help him improve.  She said she could tell I was really listening when he said his lines, and that I really cared about him getting better.  Plus, she thought I gave him good notes.  This struck me as funny because I remember being VERY annoyed that there were people there.  I don’t like working in front of others.  I tend to be very insecure.  I didn’t want to be helping him, and then have them chime in with their own ideas.  I know, I sound like a dictator, but it’s just how I am when I’m coaching.  There are certain scenarios where I think group efforts are fine.  That night wasn’t one of them.  I know that that group is all actors in the making, and I was not in the mood to hear what they had to say.  If you’re not familiar with my stance on actors and actresses, read some of the previous posts (or just keep reading. I’m sure I won’t be able to avoid stating my aversion to such people)

OH!!  Something I forgot to mention earlier, and it’s pretty important.  Rosarita is young.  Like, really young.  She is only 22. I myself am older than that.  How much older you ask?
Shut up.
All you need to know is that it’s old enough to make me take a quick pause when she told me she was 22.

Our 2nd date wasn’t really a date.  She had a couple of friends who were doing an improv show.  She convinced me to go.

I. Hate. Improv.

I feel I need to repeat.

I. Hate. Improv.  (ya, the 2nd one felt even better)

People who are good at improvisation, kudos to you.  I know it’s a valuable skill to have if you’re trying to go into acting.  I love Saturday Night Live, and I know a large majority of the people on that show have an improv background.  However, I dread improv shows.  I just hate so much about them. I hate the overwhelming loud fake energy when the actors take the stage.  The self indulgence that tends to go on so many times (For example, when they use an inside joke… ugh! We’re not on the inside you a-holes!)  And what I hate most of all, the insistence of audience participation.  I swear, it’s the fucking worst!  If you’ve ever been to an improv show, you know what I’m talking about.  The people on stage are so overly excited about everything, then you hear the dreaded words “We need some help from somebody in the audience!”  And it seems they ALWAYS want the person trying their damnedest to avoid eye contact.  What these dickholes fail to realize is, not everyone is like them.  They assume that just because they want the attention on them every moment of every day, we all must want the same thing!  They think they are doing us a favor by getting us on stage.  They aren’t.  I feel like I paid money to be entertained, not to provide the entertainment.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.  Anyway, the show was awful.  And, even though I think I’m a pretty good liar, there are certain things I can’t lie about.  Small things.  If someone asks my opinion on something, I feel the need to tell the truth.  My reason is, if I lie, then when I tell the truth, it carries much less weight, know what I mean?  I think compliments are important, and I want it known that when I give a compliment, it’s REALLY how I feel.

We all went to eat afterwards, and of course I was asked if I liked the show.  I was honest, while doing my best not to be cruel.  I finally just had to say I didn’t really care for improv.  One of the actors seemed particularly annoyed by that answer.

Crappy Improv Guy:  How can you give advice on acting when you don’t even like improv?

Me:  Because they are 2 different skill sets.  Just because they are both performance arts, doesn’t mean you have to like both.  I’m sure there are swimmers out there who don’t care for diving.  Are you telling me that just because they both involve a pool, they have to like both?

Crappy Improv Guy: That’s a terrible example.

Me: Actually, it’s a spot on example.  I’m not really sure I could find a more perfect example.

Now, was a being a dick?  Absolutely.

Did I like the fact I was being a dick?  You’d better believe it.

I was finally asked by someone else straight up if I liked the show.  I didn’t say yes or no.  I let them know that there were a couple of funny lines, but that there were times I just didn’t get it.  I asked if there were a lot of inside jokes (because there were several times when one of the actors in a scene would say something that made no sense, and all the actors not in the scene would laugh like maniacs)  They admitted that ya, they were laughing at inside jokes.  I told them that as someone who paid money to see the show, it’s not really fun to watch them just crack each other up.  They could do that without me being in the audience.

I admit I did feel a little bad cuz things definitely got awkward after that.  I mean, they kept pressing me to find out what I thought.  And, instead of heaping praise on them (which is what I think they were fully expecting because I’m pretty sure it’s what everyone else does for them) they got an honest answer.

A bit later I said my goodbyes, and was ready to order an Uber, when Rosarita came out and offered me a ride home.  I didn’t want her to have to leave her friends, but she said she didn’t mind.  I apologized for making the evening awkward, but I explained that I have a painfully difficult time being phony.  I told her I wasn’t trying to be cruel with my comments (except with Crappy Improv Guy) but that I felt they kept asking, so I had to be honest with what I thought.  She understood, but she also let me know that she wants to try to get into acting, and she likes these people a lot.

That was disappointing.

We had another date planned, but I ended up house sitting kinda last minute, so I had to cancel.  We finally planned another for last Saturday night.  As the day got closer, she asked if we could go see her friends play.  She said we could just go, and then leave right away to do our own thing.  I was sooo not down to do this.  I already went to an improv show, now I gotta sit thru a play??

On the one hand, it’s kinda sweet that she doesn’t mind showing me off to her friends.
But on the other hand… fuck that!  I just sat thru an improv show.  I said I’d be down to see her after the show is over.  She said she really wanted me to go.  And that with me there, it would be a perfect excuse to leave.  Cuz we had plans for after the show.

I explained that was an awful idea!  Her friends probably already hate my guts after the improv incident, now I’m gonna be the reason she can’t hang out with them after their play?  No thanks!  She tried to make me feel a little guilty about flaking on the date we had when I ended up house sitting instead.  It didn’t work though.  Normally it would’ve, but I’m starting to get the feeling that these friends are a HUGE part of her life, and if we start seeing each other, it’ll mean they are a huge part of mine.

Ya, no thank you on that.

We didn’t communicate much after that.  Then, last night, she asked if I wanted to go over and just hang out.  She didn’t feel like going out, but wanted to see me.  She said we could just binge watch something.  I liked the spontaneity of it, so I agreed.

I get to her place, and she answered the door in her pajamas.  I thought it was sooo cute.  I’ve probably said this before, but I really like it when girls do that.  I think so many girls look great in just simple sweats, hair up, no bra, no make up… just comfy, know what I mean?  She looked adorable, and I was really glad I went over… until I walked in the door. 2 of her friends were there as well.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Look, it’s not like I was expecting something to go down.  I really wasn’t.  I liked the idea of just a night of she and I hanging out.  I didn’t expect to have to be around other people.  I think the look on my face showed how annoyed I was.  They let me know they’d be leaving as soon as they finished whatever they were watching.

I went over and sat on the couch with her.  As the friends were watching the show, she and I just chatted in a bit of a whisper.  It was actually nice.  She seemed very comfortable around me, and kind of cuddled a bit.  The show they were watching ended, and the friends were getting ready to leave.  She told me to scroll around Netflix and find something for the 2 of us to watch.  She got up to make popcorn.  I’m saying goodbye to the friends (super happy to see them go) and as Rosarita is walking back with the popcorn… she let’s out the MEANEST fart!!!

……

………

I think the world just instantly stopped for me for a second.

I had a myriad of thoughts race thru my head.  I’ll do my best to explain what they were.

First:  Did she seriously just fucking do that???!!!

Second:  Is it at all possible it wasn’t her?  Could it have been a sonic boom??

Third:  Why the fuck would she do that???

Fourth:  How can someone so tiny make a sound that loud??

Fifth?  Did she just set off the car alarm I’m now hearing outside??

The friends found this HILARIOUS!!!  For a split second I think “Should I be laughing too??”

Rosarita says “Aww man, I had Mexican food today.  I knew that was coming!”

WHAT???  You KNEW you’d be gassy, and you invite my ass (no pun intended) over?  Are you kidding me???

She goes over to say goodbye to the friends, and now I’m alone with Mount Saint Helens (btw, if you don’t get that reference, look it up cuz it’s funny, and I’m proud of it!)

Ok, so I’m still wondering how I’m supposed to react.  I think what is throwing me off is the reaction of the friends.  They seemed SO ok with it.  It now has me questioning if I’m overreacting.  Also throwing me off, is the fact that she seemed so incredibly ok with doing it.  Am I crazy here??

Well, I know I definitely don’t want to sit anywhere near her.  She comes over and sits right next to me again, and I’m just frozen.

She was talking, and I’m not kidding you, I didn’t hear a word she said.  she finally asked me what was wrong.  I swear I didn’t know what to say.

I feel awful about this, but I just told her I suddenly wasn’t feeling great (which was totally true) and I ordered a car and I left.  I didn’t give much of an explanation. She looked so confused.  I just kept apologizing, but said I needed to go.  She just said she hoped I felt better, and that I should call her.  She came by to give me a hug goodbye, and I gave the lamest hug ever given.  I was just afraid to squeeze something else out!!

Look, I know some of you are probably judging me.  Well, judge away.  I know what you’re gonna say.  “What’s the big deal?  Everyone does it!”  “Don’t be ridiculous.  You do it too.” “It’s a natural function, get over it.”

I hear what you’re saying.  However, to that I say, “EEWWWWW!!!”

I know everyone does it, but most of us do it in the bathroom, or, if not in the bathroom, we do it when we’re completely alone.  AND, even then we feel the appropriate level of shame!

I’ve discussed this with my best friend, and we both have the same stance on this.  Don’t do it in front of me.  What my best friend said, is that if a guy does it in front of her, it’s a total turn off.  It says to her that the guy is no longer making an effort to impress her.

I feel EXACTLY the same way.  I mean, we’ve barely seen each other.  And she’s already comfortable enough to do that??  I didn’t mind her being comfortable enough to be in pjs with no make up on basically our third date.  In fact, I found it adorable.  But comfortable enough to let toxic gas escape from her anus?  NO!!!

If it had been an accident… maybe.  But, based on the reaction of her friends, and her total lack of embarrassment, led me to believe this is just something she does.

I’m not ok with that.  It’s way too early.  You should still be trying to impress me.  What’s next, you gonna go #2 in front of me with the door open??  (I know some couples who do this, and if that’s what it takes to make a lasting relationship, I’ll gladly stay single)

I have an ex who is now married.  She and her husband have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.  She told me a while back, that they have their own bathroom each.  They don’t even share the bathroom!  That’s how much she wants to keep those functions separate.  And you know what, she’s right!!  I don’t wanna know what’s doing!  I want a girl who thinks like my ex does when it comes to that.  In fact, if I ever make REAL money, I not only want a separate bathroom, I want a separate house for that!  I want to be able to enjoy a bean burrito and not worry about putting someone thru the aftermath of said burrito.  And, if I can’t afford a separate house for it, at least find a way to soundproof the bathroom.

Look, I know that if you end up in a meaningful relationship, they say you need to be able to share everything with your partner.  I have to disagree.  I don’t wanna share that.  I mean, if I was with someone for a long time, and she had the flu or something, then ya, I’m ok with you letting a few rip while you’re sick in bed.  And I’ll stay right there feeding you chicken soup, and rubbing your head until you feel better. However, if you’re feeling fine, get your ass up, and get to a safe area to do that!  I promise to do the same for you!

Rosarita texted me twice today, and I haven’t responded.  I think I need to just man up, and let her know why I freaked out.  I’m just not ready to do that yet.

I guess that technically, I’m in the wrong on this one.  I should’ve just explained last night while I was there.  But it was such a weird topic to discuss… and quite frankly, I was afraid of another explosion!

So what do you think readers?  Am I way overreacting… or is she just nasty?  I’d love your thought on this.  Feel free to comment below.

–Dr. W.

I’ve missed you!

It is beyond ridiculous that it’s been over six months since I’ve updated.  To the 4 of you that have kept on me to get back on this, I REALLY appreciate it.  Nice to know some of you enjoy my misadventures in dating.

Instead of giving you a million excuses as to why I’ve been away so long, I’ll just get right to the stories… although I do have to share that I actually started again a few weeks ago, and accidentally deleted everything.  It sucked soooo hard, and I still don’t know how I managed to do that.

I’ll start with a story from years ago.  I think this is from about a decade ago or so.  This is the story of Pretentious Pam.  I met Pam at one of the jobs I had at the time.  I was the morning guy at a little coffee shop.  Even though I don’t drink coffee, I really dug that job.  Made some friends I’m still close to, and it was really easy to meet women.  Every woman needs her coffee, so they HAD to come to me! Pam would come in ever so often.  She was by no means a regular.  There was just something about her that made her stand out to me.  It was something in her face.  She wasn’t exceptional looking by any means.  In fact, she was rather plain (which I tend to like)  It wasn’t like she had great Resting Bitch Face (which you all know I’m a huge fan of) but, she had this confidence.  I don’t think I was the only one who noticed it.  When she’d be waiting for her coffee, I’d notice other guys kinda checking her out too.  There was something there.

She came in so rarely that when she came in for like the 4th time, I realized it could possibly be some time before she came in again, so I took my shot.  I made some small talk, and got her laughing.  I tried to get her number, but she turned me down.  Well, sorta turned me down.  She made fun of me for asking for her number.  I wish I could remember exactly how she worded it, but it was something like “Oh, so now that you think you’ve been charming and made me laugh, you think I’m just gonna give you my number now? Maybe that works with these other girls.”

First off… OUCH!  And 2nd, hell yes it’s worked with other girls!  She was so condescending about it though.  I didn’t really understand that.  It’s almost like she was offended that I was asking for her number while I was at work.  Like I was supposed to make a bigger deal about it or something… or make a production out of it.  I’m at work… I find something about you interesting, and I’d like your number to see if I can get to know you better.  What’s so crazy about that??  At work is the only place I see her.  Where else was I going to ask.  What sucks is, her shitty condescending reply made me even MORE interested… because I’m stupid.

She let me know that she’d be back and then walked away. I had no idea if she meant she’d be back in a moment, or another day.  So of course for the rest of my shift, I looked like a dog in a parked car getting super excited every time anyone walked by.  Pathetic.

She came in the next week at the exact same time.  This is the quickest she’d ever come back in.  I was making her drink, and I felt very uncomfortable now.  I didn’t know if I should make small talk or not.  She’d already shot me down before, and made me feel like a total boob in the process, so I didn’t know what to say.  I just made her drink and handed it to her.  I simply said hello, and wished her a good day.  She said something like “Oh, so I don’t get the charming one today?”

This bitch.

Me: “Well, last time we chatted you seemed offended that I asked for your number, so I figured I was better off not bothering you”

Pam: “I wasn’t offended that you asked for my number.  I just found it funny that it’s probably worked on these other girls”

First of all, what the hell does she mean about “these other girls”??  I find that when girls make comments like that, it’s a way to elevate themselves above other women.  I mean, what is so crazy about asking for someones number?  And what does she mean “it’s worked”?  Ya, when you ask for someone’s number, they say yes, or no.  It’s simple.  That’s like me making fun of her for ordering a coffee!  “Oh, so you just come in, order a coffee, pay some money and expect to get a coffee?  I’m sure that works with those other coffee shops!”

Me: “Yes, as a matter of fact, it does work on other girls.  You act as if it’s some sort of scam.  I ask for a number, and it’s up to the other person if they want to give it to me or not.  I asked, and you chose not to give it to me.  No need to make fun of me about it.”

Pam: (Laughing as she says it) “So sensitive!”

I hate her.
And of course it’s making me want her more.
Have I mentioned I’m stupid?

Pam: “You give up too easily.  I told you I’d be back”

Me: “Ohhh.  Now I understand.  You didn’t have a phone last week, so that’s why you couldn’t give me your number.  But now you have one and couldn’t wait to come back and give me the number!”

Pam: “Oh, so he’s funny again”

It was actually really busy at the moment, so it was hard to keep the conversation going.  I decided to turn things around on her.  I told her that if she was interested in getting to know me better, to give me a call, and I gave her MY number.  I was getting the vibe that she is one of those girls that will make a guy jump through hoops.  Giving her my number took that power from her, and forced her to make a decision instead of toying with me.

Predictably, she waited a few days before calling me.  I actually knew she’d call.  I kinda felt like I was starting to figure her out.  I knew she was loving the fact I was into her, and she wouldn’t wanna give that up… but I also knew she would wait a couple of days.  This way, she would still feel in control.  She couldn’t call too soon, or else she would signal that she was diggin me.  Plus, I’m sure in her mind, she pictured me waiting by the phone hoping she’d call or text.  Just wasn’t the case.  I was on to her game… and I was determined to win. I’m weird like that.  I still wanted her… but mostly because I wanted to win now.

Maybe you’re asking “win what?”  And that’s a fair question.  If you’re asking yourself that question, it’s probably because you’re a good person.  I on the other hand, am a sick and twisted person. I feel like this girl was playing a bit of a game with me.  A game I was not going to allow her to win. The whole waiting a week and still not giving me her number… and giving me a hard time about asking.  It was clear she was interested too, but was gonna make me jump through hoops.

As we spoke, I told her I’d love to get together.  However, I was still determined to win.  So, I told her that she would have to plan the first date.  I didn’t want to be accused of planning something that’s “worked on the other girls”.

I paid the price.  She chose a vegetarian restaurant.  And she wasn’t even a vegetarian… just evil.

The date didn’t go well.  First of all, I was really hungry.  And the fact that we were going to a vegetarian restaurant was a total surprise.  Had I known in advance, I’d have had a double double prior to seeing her.

So, now I’m starving… I got rabbit food in front of me, and I’m slowly starting to hate this chic.  I was pissed she chose this place (but i had myself to blame for that) and the way she talked was starting to drive me crazy.  I was so cranky and hungry that all of a sudden, I didn’t really care about winning.  All I could focus on was how incredibly pretentious she was.

You wanna know a habit that I’ve noticed in MANY pretentious people?  They seem unable to use contractions.  As if they think that not using contractions makes them sound smarter.  It’s the dumbest fuckin thing!

For example…

Me: “I think I’m gonna go with pasta.  Seems to be the most filling thing.  You’ve eaten here before.  Is the pasta good?”

Pam:  “If that is what you desire, you should get the pasta”

If that is what you desire??  How’s about just saying if THAT’S what you want??  AND, you didn’t even answer my question about the pasta being any good!!

This shit went on ALL night!!  No contractions used.  AT ALL!!

Instead of “it’s” I got “it is”

Instead of “haven’t” I got “have not”

Instead of “Shouldn’t” I got “should not”

It may seem like a small detail, but, my loyal readers I promise you, a full night of this is enough to drive you batty!

I finally called her on it.

Me: “What is it that you have against contractions?”

Pam: “This is just that manner in which I choose to speak.  I love words.  I think words are beautiful.  Why not use the full word when given the chance?  What is everyone in such a rush for?”

I felt like saying “Well, I’m in a rush to finish up this shitty date!  Oh, sorry.  I meant to say I AM in a rush to finish this shitty date!”

She was a bore.  I just couldn’t get into it.  A pretentious peckerhead that was seriously in denial about who she was.  I think she viewed herself as worldly because she’d been to Europe once.  She never finished college (which I don’t  judge her for) except for the fact that she kept going on and on about how school wasn’t necessary (Sorry, I meant to say, school WAS NOT necessary.  Words are beautiful.  No need for the contraction)  She said there is so much more to learn by just being in and observing the world.  She kept feeding me these heaping piles of BS all night long.  It was pretty clear to me that she was self conscious about not finishing school, but had to overcompensate by carrying on about how she doesn’t need it.

Maybe she was fooling herself, but she wasn’t fooling me.  It was actually kinda sad.  She wasn’t who she wanted to be (at least in my opinion) but she was trying her hardest to convince people she was.

Such a disappointing date.  I really thought we would be sparring all night.  But in a fun way.  Like I’ve said before, I’m kinda twisted.  I like the games that come with dating.  I really do.  Don’t get me wrong, I like sweet girls too… but there is something so hot to me about a woman I kinda have to work for.  I enjoy the challenge of it.  But maybe that’s my problem.  Once I’ve conquered the challenge, 9 times out of 10, I lose interest afterwards.  Who knows.

That was my one and only date with Pam.  She came into the coffee shop a couple more times.  I even considered maybe trying one more time, but I just never got bored enough to do so.

That’s it.  Not the longest post, but a good way for me to get back on track. Thanks for reading this.  And a big thanks to those of you who’ve pressured me to get back into this.  I hope to never been gone this long again!

Goodnight all.

 

–Dr. W

Married to her job… and the Beatles suck

I went on a blind date over a month ago that I never added a post for.  I love this blog, but I’m so incredibly slow.  It takes me several hours per post.  I just suck.  I’ve been wanting to get back into this since it’s been about 2 months since I’ve blogged, but I just haven’t had a few free hours to do so.  Well, I guess I have, but then naps get in the way.  I’m sure you can all relate?

Ok, so I was actually pretty jazzed to go on this date.  We were gonna go to a fancy steakhouse near where I work.  Unfortunately, we both got stuck working overtime.  Her later than me.  Good thing was, it gave me a chance to go home and take a much needed shower.  I’m a bit (more than a bit) of a princess.  I need to shower at least twice a day.  I was glad to have a chance to shower the work off of me before seeing her.  The downside was, we couldn’t do the steakhouse anymore.  We ended up at a chain Italian restaurant (NOT Olive Garden)

She was very pretty.  She came straight from work, and she looked really nice which I completely appreciate.  I like when people make an effort at work.  She also had her hair up in that “I’ve been in the office for 11 hours” kinda way, that I think is kinda sexy sometimes.  I’m a weirdo, but I like what I likes.

I liked her, but not in a I want to date her kinda way.  We would NEVER work.  For starters, she’s driven.  Like, insanely driven.  Like, puts her career above EVERYTHING else.  Like I’ve said in the past, I love passion.  And she is definitely passionate about her job.  The thing is, for as much as she talked about her job, I couldn’t tell you what the hell she does.  Maybe I’m just really dumb, but I can never tell what anyone does.  I feel like titles have gotten so fancy, I never have a clue what anything means.  But it seems everyone else seems to know what all these things mean.  For example, there are no more secretaries anymore… now they are all administrative specialists.  And other jobs are more complicated.  At work, I was going through orientation with a group of people from all sorts of departments, and I couldn’t even tell you what any of them did.  But when they gave their job titles, everyone sounded so impressed.  For example, one was a  Digital Media Analyst… and everyone was super impressed… I just sat there blank.  Sounds fancy for sure… but I don’t know exactly what that entails.

My date had an even more complicated title.  Something like Regional Forecasting of something or other.  I honestly don’t remember.  But, apparently  it’s a super big deal, because she worked incredibly hard to get there.  Work was really her life.  She even said it was a miracle she had time for a date.  She hadn’t been on an actual date in a year.  Which really added some pressure for me!  A YEAR??  She’s very pretty, and is obviously asked out by guys, but she says she never has time.  And the way she was talking about work, I can see why.  She has things soooo planned out.  She wants to be a director at her job by the time she’s 30.  She’s one of those people with a 5 year plan, and she ain’t messing around!  In a way, I respect the hell out of her, because in 10 years, she’s gonna be absurdly successful, have the nice home… all the things we’re always told we’re supposed to want.  But I dunno, part of me also wondered if it’s all worth it, know what I mean?  Ya, it’s great to be driven and have goals, but when you haven’t been on a date in over a year… and you finally go on a date, and it’s with me??  How good can things really be going??

When she finally stopped talking about work, she asked what I did.  I went on for 2 or 3 minutes tops, and that was it.  I felt a little judged, but that was fine.  I could tell she wasn’t impressed, and I was ok with that.  It was a really interesting dynamic.  She went on and on about work, and could easily talk about it for hours at a time.  I went on and on about things I like to do for fun, and my friends.  don’t get me wrong, I like where I work.  It’s a rad place… but I’d much prefer to talk about my friends and fun, and life.

One thing about her, she doesn’t like to be disagreed with.  She’s not one of those “agree to disagree” people.  Oh no no no. No, she’s the type that if she disagrees with you, she needs to explain why you’re wrong, and why you need to change.  I was all about that!  I can’t deny that I enjoy a good argument.  We broke one of the Cardinal rules about dating, and actually discussed religion AND politics.  It was great.  She’s good at arguing.  Quite good.  But she’s also an obnoxious loser.  If you point out a flaw in one of her arguments, she gets really mad.  It was sooo good!  I gotta be honest, at one point, I argued with her about something I TOTALLY agreed with her on.  I was just having way too much fun bickering.  It was so good!

She did have one quality that made me mental though.  I hate this so, so , so , so , so , so , so, so, so, so much… she’s a music snob.  Like, a 100% badge carrying music DOUCHE.  You know the kind of people I’m talking about.  The kind that no matter what music you like, it’s a really bad choice in their opinion.  The only music that can possibly be any good at all, is music that nobody has ever heard of.  And, if that band that they like at the moment suddenly gets a hit song that the whole world can enjoy, then they suddenly suck.  I CAN’T STAND MUSIC SNOBS!!  It didn’t matter who I named, she’d roll her eyes, and have a look of disgust.  It was so obnoxious.  I really wanted to pull a Jimmy Kimmel on her and start naming nonexistent bands.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up on YouTube.  Jimmy has this great segment where he sends someone to music festivals all over the country, and asks about bands that don’t exist.  It’s incredible.  These music snobs so desperately want to be in the know, that they praise the music of these bands THAT DON’T EXIST!!!.  I swear, she would totally be one of those people talking about how she loves the new stuff from The Obesity Epidemic.

So, ya, it turned out that all the music I liked sucked.  What was funny though, was that in the end, they all seemed to suck for the same reason.  They were sell outs. And when dealing with a music snob, that is their answer to everything.  If someone has success, they are sell outs, and now suck.  What music snobs don’t understand, is that they are selfish loser pricks.  They are children.  A band was cool in their eyes, because they liked them… but as soon as anyone else does, they aren’t cool anymore.  They are too stupid to realize that the band is still good… that the only thing that’s changed is that others have discovered.  In reality, it was never about the band.  It was this selfish thing inside of them that needs to feel cool, and feel like they have some secret that nobody else is in on.  It doesn’t even matter if the music is any good or not.  All that matters to them, is that they can feel superior by knowing about something that you don’t know about.  It’s like a secret.  And secrets obviously hold no power once someone else knows about them.  I understand it to a certain degree.  We all have that little hole in the wall restaurant we love, and we tell our friends about, but then suddenly that hole in the wall is super popular, and it’s now impossible to get your regular table.  It sucks.

Anyway, I could go on and on about the douchery of music snobs.  We all know at least one… and if you don’t know one… it might be you.  If you’re not sure if you’re a music snob, just ask me.  I’ll let you know.

So, instead of being a date, it was more of a trial.  It was like 2 lawyers trying to make the most convincing argument.  I enjoyed it, but not in a romantic sense.  I enjoyed the back and forth.  She was pretty good at it.  I’d consider being at least friends with her, but I’m not sure she’d be into that.  I never reached out again.  I think she’d just view me as a distraction or something to her career.

I walked away feeling kinda strange from that date.  It made me wonder if I’m doing enough with my life.  I think the answer is clearly no.  I think I need some of her passion and drive to start chasing the things in life I really love.  However, I wouldn’t want to chase them as hard as she has.  I appreciate passion, but what’s the point of it all if you don’t even have time for a date in a full year??  I mean, she’s a young girl!  Dating should be a part of your 20’s.  So should sex!!  I wanted to ask her when her birthday was, so I could get her a 10 years supply of batteries because with her lack of a dating and sex life, she must be burning thru batteries and vibrators like nobody’s business!!

I heard a saying once that has stuck with me for many years.  That, when someone is on their death bed, they have many regrets.  However, one of those regrets is never “I wish I would’ve spent more time at the office.”

As always, any comments or feedback are appreciated.  I’ll post about my most recent date this week.  It was interesting to say the least.  Thank you to all who have contacted me to tell me they’ve missed my blog!  Means a lot to know someone is enjoying this =)

 

–Dr. W

My Adventures in Whoville!

I’m a weird guy.  No sense in denying it.  I tend to like things that aren’t exactly normal.  For example, I love, love, LOVE Resting Bitch Face!  I love it sooo much!  Say what you will, but girls with good Resting Bitch Face (RBF) are so hot!!  Here are some examples of good RBF:

I really could’ve posted many more examples, but I think you get the point.  Anyway, another thing I tend to like that many people find weird, is terrible people.  I guess saying I “like” terrible people doesn’t exactly make sense, but I don’t know how else to say it.  I’m fascinated by terrible folks.  Much in the same way that I enjoy the topic of outer space because I’m so fascinated by it, I think I have to say I enjoy terrible people… because I’m soooo fascinated by them.  Which brings us to the topic of this post… Whoville!!

Whoville is a girl I was friends with years ago.  I met her at a mutual friends birthday party. She was pretty amazing from the get go.  I wish I knew where to start when describing her.  She was almost more of a movie character than an actual person.  She was an attractive girl.  Quite attractive actually. However, not nearly as attractive as she thought she was.  She was incredibly full of herself.  To the point that you just couldn’t believe it sometimes. She was so full of herself in fact, that it made you almost want to point out her flaws to her just to knock her down a peg, and get her back into reality. If you think I’m kidding, here is one of my favorite things she ever said to me.  We were standing in line for the Toy Story ride at California Adventure (part of the Disneyland Resort for those of you not familiar)

Whoville:  “Ugh, I really wish I hadn’t worn my glasses today”

Me:  “Why not?”

Whoville:  “Because it makes it easier to see how much everyone is looking at me!”

Now, I looked around, and trust me when I tell you, NOBODY was looking at her.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think Whoville was attractive, and I’ve no doubt a few guys would check her out here and there, but to hear her tell it, everyone in the park was staring at her. She would constantly make comments about how attractive she was.  And she wasn’t joking.

Let me describe her physically.  Tiny.  She was 5’3″. Long blonde hair.  Thin.  But not fit.  There is a difference.  She’s one of those people that was just naturally thin, without working out.  Yes, they do exist.  Gorgeous blue eyes.  As I’ve said before, I have a thing for big eyes, and she definitely had them.  They were a piercing blue!  I found her attractive, but if she’d had dark hair, I would’ve been way into her physically.  Again, dark hair, fair skin and big eyes.  I’m a total sucker for it every time.  I think her blonde hair took away from her eyes.  Just personal preference.  Even though I’m not a boob guy myself, Whoville had a very ample bosom.  All of my male friends that met her, and even many of the females, had to comment on them.

So ya, Whoville was definitely attractive.  However, there were some things that were a major turn off… at least for me.  And again, I’m only pointing them out because she was SOOO full of herself, that it made you just want to point them all out.  She had big feet.  Like, BIG!  And not cute.  I’ve known short girls with big feet, and it’s fine.  But Whoville’s were just odd looking!  BTW, I know this sounds like I have a foot fetish.  I don’t.  I just do appreciate when a girl takes care of her feet.  I think that says a lot.  Like, if you’re gonna wear open toed shoes, you wanna make sure things are taken care of down there.  I’m not saying Whoville didn’t take care of hers, but they were just so odd looking!  You couldn’t help but notice them!  It was like a hobbit trying to wear nice heels.  It didn’t work!

Also, she had monstrously large hands.  Enormous!!  This is so crude, and I apologize in advance, but as attractive as I thought she was, I always hoped we’d never get into a situation where she’d offer to give me a handjob (again, sorry!  I know this is gross, but I’m just trying to be as honest as possible about what goes thru my mind!)
As a guy, it’s hard to turn down a handjob from an attractive woman… on the other hand (pun somewhat intended) I think seeing my boy parts in her massive hands might ruin my ego for life!  That’s pretty bad when you’re an attractive girl, and your hands are so huge, that guys are questioning whether they’d accept a handjob that hasn’t even been offered.

The biggest flaw (for lack of a better word) that Whoville had (aside from her massive ego and lousy personality) was actually her face.  She was attractive, and could definitely photograph well at the right angles. But from her eyes down, it wasn’t all that great.  It wasn’t bad, but nowhere near good enough for her to brag about herself the way she would.  Her face was kinda long.. and somewhat horsey.  Like, when she would drink from a straw, you thought for a moment you were watching the Kentucky Derby! Super horselike!  Also, her nose.  It pointed up.  Like way up.  Really high!  The inside of her nostrils were always on display.  Hence where she got the nickname.  Actually, a friend of mine who really didn’t like her came up with it.  I can’t take credit for it.  She said “How can you hang out with that Who from Whoville!?”  It stuck ever since.  Here’s what it kind of looked like…

Sorry for such a long setup!  Here’s the actual story.  I had a job at the time that was kicking my ass, and I decided that I needed a nice 3 day trip to Disneyland.  At the time, they had the California Food and Wine Festival going on.  Sooo fun!  Unfortunately, none of my friends that I wanted to go with could get the time off.  Also, I’d recently had a falling out with the person I would normally take such trips with (still one of my biggest regrets in life.. I’ll share more another time) so I was getting desperate.  Whoville and I would go to Disneyland from time to time, and I was really desperate, so I finally decided to ask her to join me.  To her credit, she was helpful in finding me a good hotel to stay at (At the time, I couldn’t afford to stay at The Grand Californian, so I needed alternatives) and, she was on top of all the events going on, and found a good wine tasting event for us to attend.  It was pricey, but it was one of the better events of the weekend.

The drive to Disneyland was actually really nice.  I hadn’t seen her in a while, and she was being kinda pleasant.  It was nice catching up.  It was weird though, because she was talking about sex a lot.  We’d been friends for a while, but she wasn’t one of those friends that I’d talk about sex with.  It was fine, but it was just unexpected.

We went to have lunch before checking into the hotel, and as we were having lunch, again, she just kept carrying on about sex.  How it had been a while since she’d had it, and how much she wanted it.  Then she asked me about the waiter and what I thought.  I told her I didn’t think he was particularly good looking… and more importantly, he was a lousy waiter.  I also told her if she was considering hooking up with him, she was not about to use the room I paid for.  She was more than welcome to do what she wanted, just not in my room!  I ain’t sleeping on sticky sheets just cuz she needs to get some (ok… gross… but funny!)  She decided to leave her phone # on the receipt when we paid.

He never called.

So, we check into the room, and it was really cute.  It was a tiny property walking distance to Disneyland.  I liked it.  We put our stuff in the room, and I was ready to race off to the parks.  Not Whoville though.  Nope.  She decided we needed to go lay out at the pool first.  Unfortunately, I’d never considered the pool!  I didn’t have trunks or anything even remotely pool related.  I just thought we’d be at the parks, and getting our wine on.  She was pretty insistent, so I guess we were going to the pool.  She was changing into her bikini in the bathroom, and before she came out, she had an announcement.

Whoville: “Ok, before I come out, I just have to warn you… I look REALLY hot!”

Long pause…

Me: “Ok?…”

She then came out.  And yes, she looked hot.  She had a good body for a bikini.  But, who the hell says that??  I mean, I could see some of my friends saying that to me, but there would be some playful kidding quality to it.  Not Whoville.  She was dead serious.  In her mind, she looked so hot, she needed me to be prepared for it!  And yes, she looked hot… but damn, I made the mistake of looking her up and down… and as I looked down, I got a look at them hobbit feet! YIKES!

So, now we’re laying out by the pool.  I felt ridiculous.  I’m in a polo shirt and jeans.  I didn’t even have shorts (another weird thing about me… I don’t wear shorts in public.  I just think it’s weird.  Stop judging me)  It was pretty boring.  She was laying out and filling out postcards to send people.  So, I decided since I was bored, I’d be a jerk.  I decided to make my coworkers mad.  They were all back at work (it was our busiest time of year) and I thought it would be fun to text pics of myself lounging by the pool while they were busting their asses.  How I still have friends, I’ll never know!

As I’m taking pics of myself, Whoville heard the click of the camera…

Whoville:  (Smiling as she says it) “OMG.  Are you taking pictures of me in my bikini?”

Me:  “What??  Nope, I’m taking pictures of me!!

Whoville:  “Oh… well, if you wanna take pictures of me, it’s ok”

Me:  “Nah, I’m fine”

Whoville:  “I’m just saying, if you wanted to take pics of me, I wouldn’t mind.  I’d be ok with it”

Me:  “Ok… do YOU want me to take pictures of you??”

Whoville:  “I’m just saying, if you want to, it’s totally ok”

Me: “Alright, it’s pretty clear you want me to take pictures of you.  So, do you wanna take em here, or do you wanna get in the pool?”

Whoville: “OMG, I can’t believe you’re gonna take pics of me in my bikini!”

Me: “Seriously??”

Don’t get me wrong, as long as I avoided looking down at those boats she called feet, Whoville DID look hot in her bikini.  Like I said earlier, she had an ample bosom (Sorry, I just love the word bosom… or bosoms!  Makes me laugh every time)  The girls looked great in a bikini top.  But, despite her being attractive, I never looked at her in that way.  I really did just hang around with her because I was kind of fascinated by her, and how incredible she thought she was.  Does that make me a shitty person?  Probably.  But I’m being honest.  And, the fact that she was kind of trying to make it seem like I somehow wanted her bothered me.  Because I’d seen guys that did want her, and how she got off on that attention.  I didn’t want her, and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of thinking I was one of those guys.

So, for the next half hour, I took pics of her out by the pool.  It was actually a lot of fun.  She’d pose any way I asked her to.  It was kinda cool.  Some of the poses were pretty hot, and maybe not great for a family hotel.  LoL.  But we laughed a lot.  I got past the fact that I was giving her exactly what she wanted, and I just enjoyed the moment.  We laughed a lot, and it was great!  It was thinking that instead of being at work, I was taking pics of a hot chic in a bikini, just a few steps away from Disneyland.  Not too shabby.

We decided to finally get back to the room and get ready for Disneyland.  She showered off since she’d been in the pool, and I decided to shower as well, since I’m a princess and love to feel clean.

When I came out of the shower, she was still laying in bed.  She hadn’t gotten ready for the parks.  She was just laying in her bathrobe.

Whoville:  “Umm… can I ask you something?  Did you masturbate while you were in the bathroom?”

Me: “WHAT?!?”

Whoville: “Well, you were taking pictures of me in my bikini, and I looked really hot”

Me: “Ya, you mean when you practically ASKED me to take pictures of you??”

Whoville: “Can I ask you something else?  Did you bring condoms?”

This question annoyed the hell out of me.

  1. It annoyed me because I’m a single guy, and I ALWAYS try to have condoms on me.  Call me crazy, but I believe in safe sex, and I won’t have sex without a condom.
  2. It annoyed me because she KNOWS I always have condoms on me.  We’d talked about it before.  I was in a situation where the opportunity for sex came up, and I didn’t have protection, so I had to turn it down.  It sucked!! Since then, I always have some on me, just in case.

Me: “You know I always have condoms on me.  So no, I didn’t bring them hoping to make something go down.”

Whoville:  “Ok, well, since you have condoms, would it be ok if we had sex?

 

Oh…

Me: “You mean… like you and me?”

Whoville: “Ya.  Would that be weird because we’re friends?  I know you’ve slept with friends before”

I was in a bit of a dilemma here.  For starters, I didn’t see this coming.  AT ALL.  Maybe that makes me seem dense, but I really just thought she was asking me all these questions to inflate her own ego.  Like, she thought she was so hot that I had to masturbate in the shower because I saw her in a bikini.  Then, I actually thought she went thru my luggage while I was showering and found condoms, and assumed I was trying to make things happen with her, which probably just fed her massive ego even more.  I didn’t at all think that she was asking because she wanted to get down.

The other thing was, I had no time to think about my answer.  This came out of nowhere.  On the one hand, this was a great opportunity to knock her down a few pegs.  Here she’s been going on about how hot she looked in her bikini, even posing for pics… and now she’s offering me easy sex.  If I say no, that’ll definitely bring her down to Earth a bit!  That would be sooo awesome!

On the other hand… sex!  You can see the bind I’m in!!

I thought about it for a bit.  I really wanted to say “you know, thanks but no thanks.  I just don’t see you that way”  That’s such a big mic drop moment!!

I was really considering saying that, but then she did this thing.  She was still laying in bed, still in her robe, but she did this thing with her hand.  It was so feminine (despite her massive hand)  She kind of just ran her hand down the opening of her robe.  She didn’t open the robe or anything.  It was just so feminine and sexy.

So ya, I decided sex wins.

I won’t bore you with the details.  If you’re curious, send me an email =)

I will say, her breast were pretty magnificent.  To this day, they’re the most amazing I’ve ever seen.  I can see why so many guys are boob guys.  Again, I’m not a boob guy, but these were masterpieces (sorry if that’s crude, or too guyish)

Ok, so, we’re done with that.  We get dressed and head out to the parks.  I was a little afraid that maybe it would make things weird, but not at all.  We were actually having a great time at the parks.  However, at one point she decided to bring it up.

Whoville: “You know, you’re pretty lucky”

Me: “Why?”

Whoville:  “Because You’re only the 10th guy I’ve ever slept with.  Do you know how many guys wanna sleep with me??  You’re lucky”

Me:  “I guess I don’t get why that makes me lucky.  I mean, if it’s something that I’d been trying to do, then ya, I’d get why you’d say that.  But if you remember, YOU asked ME if we could have sex.  So, wouldn’t it be you that’s lucky that I said yes?”

Whoville:  “Look, lots of guys wanna sleep with me.  I’m just telling you you’re pretty lucky”

I could’ve gone on and turned this into an argument, but I’d made my point.  I’d be damned if I was about to let her feel like she’d done me some sort of favor.  I made sure to remind her it was her who asked me.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually DO feel lucky anytime a woman allows me to sleep with her.  Even if it’s just a casual hookup.  I don’t wanna get too deep, or sensitive on this subject, but if a girl is willing to give herself to you, ya, you’re lucky.

That’s how our first day there went.  I was really excited for the next day.  That evening, we had the wine event we’d registered for.  It was on the pricey, but it was all you could drink, and being the classy individual that I am, I was gonna get my money’s worth!

At that point, I had no wine knowledge at all.  In fact, I’d only recently started drinking wine.  And I could only handle whites… I couldn’t handle reds back then (I’ve gotten past that thankfully)

There were only a few places to sit, and aside from that, they had some really tall tables you could stand at.  There weren’t enough tables for everyone, so you had to share.  I’m wondering if that was done on purpose to get people to mingle.  Either way, we ended up sharing a table with a nice couple.  They were newly engaged.  It was dreadfully awkward at first.  But luckily, Whoville took over.  And I gotta say, she was in rare form.  Whoville had this belief that people were crazy about her.  She felt that by talking to someone, she was making their day.  She used to tell me that she liked when she was in touristy parts of Hollywood, because she would approach people taking pictures of things, and ask if they wanted her to take a picture of them together.  She said that she was giving them a good story for when they got home because they would probably all assume she was an actress, or famous, and that it would really make their trip.

Can you guys start to understand why I was so fascinated with her??  She made comments like this ALL THE TIME.  I’ve suffered from low self esteem for a long time, and at times wish I was much more confident.  But I don’t know that I would ever want her confidence.  Because she borders on delusion!

It was so much fun watching her interact with them.  She’d ask them a question, but it was very obvious that she was only asking them, so that they’d ask the same question of her once they’d answered.  Add to that, the fact the  wine was starting to hit her, and she was golden!  I could list everything she said, but this post would take 5 days to write.

My favorite though, was when they asked her what she did.  She told them she was a sign language interpreter, and an actress.  I’m always fascinated by this.  Can you call yourself an actress if you don’t, y’know… act??  Having headshots doesn’t make you an actress!

I digress.  They ask her what she prefers.

Whoville: “I’d definitely have to say I prefer being an actress.”

Nice Couple: “Oh, why is that?”

Whoville: “Well, there is so much I have to deal with being a sign language interpreter. Like, when I’m tutoring a student, they are always so shocked to see me.  Because, y’know, most sign language interpreters are ugly old ladys, and then I show up, and  y’know, I’m really pretty!  They are always like
‘YOU”RE my tutor??  But you’re so pretty?!’
You know, I have to deal with those things!

Nice Couple:  …………….

It was amazing.  She said those words.  In front of people.

“Most sign language interpreters are ugly old ladys, and then I show up, and y’know, I’m really pretty!”

Whoville stepped away to get more wine and cheese, and the female in the couple just looked at me and said “She’s interesting…. ”

Me:  “She’s insane!!!  You guys, you don’t have to hold back, she’s not my girlfriend.  You won’t be offending me.  What you’re seeing, is exactly why I hang out with her.  She’s amazing.  She just told you that people are shocked by how pretty she is, and she doesn’t see why that’s weird.  I love her.”

The nice couple just laughed.  Am I horrible for talking about her behind her back to these strangers we’d just met?  Absolutely.  Should I have told them that we had sex and she proceeded to tell me how lucky I was?  Hell yes I should’ve.  But I didn’t.

It took Whoville a while to come back.  It seems she started talking to the guy that was running the event.

Whoville: “I was talking to the guy running this thing.  He was really nice.  I finally left though because I could tell he only wanted to talk to me, but I wanted everyone else to have a chance to talk to him too”

As we were leaving the event, she wondered how many people the nice couple would tell that they got to hang out with an actress.

That’s who Whoville was.  More confidence than I’ve ever seen in anyone.  But, in my opinion, that confidence bordered on delusion.  It was fascinating to see.  Anywhere she went, she really felt all eyes were on her.  When she spoke, she thought everyone around her would get quiet trying to hear what she had to say.  And she always felt that when she talked to a stranger, she’s made their day, and that they would be so excited to tell others about their encounter with her.  Without question, one of the most fascinating individuals I’d ever met.

We eventually had a falling out.  There was only so much I could take.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her sometimes.  Because I do.  She was unique, and fascinating… and I wonder how many more stories I’d have if we’d stayed friends.  I also do wonder sometimes if it’s better to be insecure and have low self esteem, or be more like Whoville?

Hope you enjoyed this one friends.  As always, thanks for reading.  Questions, comments, concerns always welcome.

Actually, I recently found out I lost a Facebook friend because of this blog.  She said she didn’t think it was right that I was posting these dates without the permission of the girls I’m on these dates with.  I did  my best to assure her that I keep things anonymous, but she still thought it was really awful.  If any of you have similar concerns, I’d love to hear about them.

With that, I bid you all a good night!

–Dr. Weirdlove

TV Wife’s series finale

What a difference a week makes!  Last week after all the madness with TV Wife went down, I really thought I’d be taking an extended dating break.  Was super down in the dumps.  That probably sounds dumb after only a couple of dates, but as you’ve seen from this blog, dating in L.A. is nuts!  It makes for some fun stories, but it’s not exactly easy meeting someone you actually like.  So to meet someone I actually liked and was VERY attracted to, it was a real downer to have it explode in my face in such dramatic fashion.  To her credit, she respected my wishes and did not contact me for the entire weekend as I’d requested.  I appreciate that.  Although I did get a call this past Friday night from a number I didn’t have saved in my phone.  Whoever it was didn’t leave a voicemail.  I removed her # from my phone after everything went down, and I can’t help but wonder if it was her.  But I’m definitely not wondering enough to call her and find out.

For the most part, many of my friends have told me they think I’m doing the right thing.  However, there have been a few people who have played Devil’s advocate, and I totally appreciate that.  I respect someone giving a differing viewpoint.  You never know, maybe there is something I’m not considering.

What a lot of people told me, was that it’s very possible that she is/was in an abusive relationship with this guy.  Is it possible?  Yes.  Do I think it’s likely?  No I don’t.  And I don’t for several reasons.

  1. She didn’t seem scared of him.  The more I’ve thought of her behavior that day, the more I really think she wasn’t scared.  I mean, this guy is pounding on her window, and she isn’t screaming, or jumpy, or anything.  She kinda just stared straight ahead, ignoring what was going on.  It was more a look of “fuck, I’m caught” instead of “Holy shit I’m scared!”
  2. She ignored everything (EVERYTHING) he was saying until he said that he went through her phone.  At that point, she lost it on him.  Trust me, there was no fear in her at that moment.  She was yelling at him like he was a little boy.  If they were in a relationship, it seemed pretty clear to me that she wore the pants.  As I’ve stated before, I think TV Wife hottest girl this guy has ever had, and I think he knows he can’t hold on to her.  His actions seemed more frustrated and scared to lose her than anything else.  This guy did not wanna really fight.  I think he just felt he needed to do SOMETHING.  Am I saying that’s ok?  Hell no!  He’s clearly nuts.
    But ya, the fact that she only addressed the phone thing was very interesting to me.  She was looking for a way to turn things around on him, and make him the bad guy.
  3.  She couldn’t answer the question “Is he your boyfriend?”  Yes, I understand that maybe there are ways that it could be a complicated question.  Maybe things are incredibly messy with them… but you gotta give me something!  “No, he’s not my boyfriend, but we still sleep together…” or “Yes, technically he is my boyfriend, but…”  You can’t just tell me to wait for you to come up with a more acceptable answer.

So ya, that’s just a few reasons I don’t think she was involved in something abusive.  I hope I’m not wrong… but I really don’t think it’s my job to play detective on this one too much.  I gave her an opportunity to have me help her.  If she was in a shitty situation, I was there to help.  But she didn’t say anything.  There is only so much I can do.

I had more to say on this post, but I’m just so over talking about TV Wife or spending time thinking about her.  Despite how terribly everything ended up, and how down in the dumps it had me feeling, I’m still glad I went on those few dates with her.  If anything, it got my self esteem up!  It’s a great feeling when you’re attracted to someone, and they are into you as well.  She got comfortable with me really quickly, and I liked that.  I’d like to think of myself as a fun date, and making her laugh as much as I did had me really high.  Also, it was a reminder of how good I really have it.  I have some incredibly supportive friends.  After they read the TV Wife saga, I got some incredibly sweet texts and comments on Facebook.  I gotta share part of at least one of them because this really made my day!! Just let me indulge my ego for a bit…

“First of all you gotta know that although you are all insecure about your weight for some it’s a non issue, your personality and genuine heart could (and definitely has) won you romance.

You noticed how everything changed (body posture,touching etc..) once you relaxed and got more confident . She obviously saw something special in you. We all see it which is why we root for you on these dates. You made her laugh which was great, but that only opened her up to getting to know you better, and she liked who she saw. At least you know she like you, and she was not shallow, and she probably genuinely liked YOU for who you are! Which isn’t that hard….”

I mean, come on!!  How sweet is that??  How am I not supposed to feel better after that??  And the best part of that post, is that it’s all true.  I AM that wonderful. No sense in denying the facts folks 😉

So, that’s that.  I don’t think you’ll be hearing about TV Wife anytime soon. One of my biggest regrets about things not working out with TV Wife, is that I REALLY liked that name for her.  It’s not easy coming up with appropriate names for these girls, and excuse me for bragging, but I thought I really nailed it with her!  I thought it was pretty clever!  Such a shame to have it go to waste.  Le sigh.

I’m glad I’m feeling better.  So, although I don’t think I’ll be taking an extended dating break as I originally thought, I don’t have anything lined up this week.  However, stay tuned.  I wanna share a story about a girl from years ago.  I hope you like it!

Thanks for all the support friends!  I’m really enjoying writing this blog.  I’ve had to take a bit of a break from stand up, so writing this blog has helped fill my comedy void!

–Dr. Weirdlove

Double your pleasure… Starring TV Wife

Since I last updated, I’ve been on 2 dates with TV Wife.  I wasn’t sure if I should write 2 separate posts or not, so I’ve decided to write about both dates on this post.

We scheduled an early morning hiking date for Saturday (yesterday)  But before that, we decided to get together last minute on Thursday to go see Civil War.  I’d already seen it, and loved it, and she hadn’t had a chance to see it yet.  I can tell I’m  diggin this girl because I was willing to stay out so late on a worknight for a movie I’ve already seen.  This is probably not a good thing to admit, but I think a big part of the reason I’m liking her so much, is just how attractive I find her.  It’s like I’ve said in prior posts, looks matter.  A lot. People can claim that it’s shallow to feel that way, but I think those people aren’t being completely honest.You HAVE to be attracted to someone if you’re going to be together… especially when things are first starting out.  With that said, they definitely are not everything.  I think physical attraction is a starting point, but then everything else needs to click.  One thing about TV Wife, I’m not very good on the phone with her.  The few times we’ve spoken on the phone, we talk all over each other.  I actually prefer she text me.  We’ve spoken on the phone a few times, and it hasn’t gotten any better.  But… she’s so flippin attractive!  Dark hair, fair skin, big eyes… Heaven!

The other thing is, having someone I find so attractive wanting to see me again, really does something for my self esteem.  As I’ve mentioned before, I got some poundage to lose.  It’s clear to see.  And the fact that my personality and sense of humor managed to win her over on out first date REALLY gets me on cloud 9.

Ok, so we decide to go see Civil War.  She tells me in advance that she hopes it’s ok with me that she will be wearing super comfy clothes.  Totally fine with me.  I like that she mentioned that in advance though.  I just think it’s thoughtful.  Plus, I can tell from our first date that she puts effort into her appearance.  She actually picked me up for the date.  SO. DAMN. CUTE.  (Sorry, I promise to stop saying that soon)  She looks adorable though.  She’s wearing sweatpants… but in that cute way that girls do, where they flip the top of the sweatpants down.  Adorable.  A pullover hoodie, and flip flops.  She just had her hair up.  Looked sooo comfy.

We got a late start though, so by the time we got to the theater, the movie had already started.  I told TV Wife just how much I hate going into movies late, so we abandoned the movie idea, and instead went to Denny’s to share an appetizer.  Classy, right?  I’m glad I didn’t dress as comfy as her.  I had on jeans, a t-shirt, and a light jacket.  I can’t make comfy clothes look as cute as she can, so if I’d been wearing sweatpants in a brightly lit Denny’s as opposed to a dark theater, it wouldn’t have been pretty.  I just feel extra round when I wear sweatpants.

Anyway, we had fun.  I like that I can make her laugh a lot.  And I like that the conversation goes anywhere.  Sooo much better in person than on the phone.  Things can start with me sharing a story about work, and 5 minutes later, she’s telling me about a swingset she loved when she was a little girl.  She seems pretty comfortable with me.  She was drinking her milkshake (which she drinks adorably btw) and she stretched her legs out under the table to rest her feet on my lap.  I liked that.  I felt comfortable as well.  I wasn’t so hyper-conscious about my weight, which is something that has happened to me lately.  Just more evidence of why I need to lose weight.  But that wasn’t the case for this night.

We finished our appetizer, but we just sat talking.  We realized we were just hogging up our waitresses table, so we called it a night.  As we were driving home, I made her laugh hard.  REALLY hard.  Hard enough that she was getting nervous because she couldn’t see.  Clearly that’s not safe, but SUCH a boost for my comedy ego!!

We got to my place, and just sat in her car talking for a while.  I’m clearly a little sprung, because I even thought it was cute how she was sitting in the car as we talked.  She’s really petite, and on the short side, so she can pull her knees up to her chest and hug her legs (does that make any sense??)  Anyway, I thought she looked so cute, so I said fuck it, and went in for a goodnight kiss.  That went on for a little bit.  Kissing is great.  Just so good.  And I think you’ll all agree that it’s even better when you’re really attracted to the person.  Had some of those good butterflies going on.

So, that was our Thursday night date.  Short and sweet.  I like her.  She’s fun, makes me feel good about myself, and I’m excited to see her again.  The one thing I will say about TV Wife, is that she checks her phone a lot.  A LOT.  I have a feeling that’s gonna be a problem at some point.  It was going off a good amount that night.  I’m sure she’s popular, so I can get why her phone blows up.  And she didn’t check it every time it vibrated.  But she definitely checked it enough (and replied) that it caught my attention as a potential issue in the future.  I’m wondering if she would’ve done that in the movie.  That would’ve made me bonkers for sure.

Anywho, aside from that, things went great.  I was now really excited for our hiking date Saturday morning!

OUR SATURDAY MORNING DATE:

We were going to go hiking early.  She was originally going to pick me up at 5:30, but luckily that got pushed back to 6:15 (I stayed out pretty late Friday night)  The reason we had to go so early, is that she was heading to a bachelorette  party in San Diego later that day.  This was also my last chance to see her for a while.  All this coming week, she was not available during the week, and next weekend she was back in San Diego for the actual wedding.

I normally have my telephone machine on me at all times, but for the hike, I decided to leave it at home.  I just got this phone a couple of months ago, and I really like it.  However, they don’t make one of those enormous Otter Box cases for it that protect every inch of the phone.  The screen is exposed (because it has those curved edges)
Anyway, I was afraid to take it on the hike, because the sweatpants I was wearing for the hike had very shallow pockets, and I was afraid it would fall out.  Plus, the few times I’ve gone hiking, I haven’t had much reception anyway, so I figured it wouldn’t matter.  I took an old phone that can’t make calls.  I basically took it for the camera.  I wanted to get some pics of TV Wife and I.

Here is where things got interesting.  We start to pull into this little parking area, and as we’re pulling in, TV Wife says “Oh shit.”

“Is everything ok?”

“Umm, ya, I just… let’s go to a better spot”

I thought it was a little weird.  I couldn’t figure out what she saw that made her change her mind about that area.  There were other cars parked there, and I didn’t see any signs that said the trail was closed, but she’s the avid hiker, not me.

We start to pull away, when a car behind us starts honking like crazy.  He can easily go around us, so I didn’t understand why he was honking so much.  I thought maybe he was trying to get our attention for something.  I thought perhaps he saw something wrong with our car.  I looked at TV Wife, and she looked nervous.  I asked if she was ok, and then the car pulled up next to us and was signaling for us to pull over.  The driver looked frantic, and I told her that maybe he needed our help or something.  I gotta admit, I didn’t know what to do.  TV Wife just said “No, he’s fine”

He is honking like a madman, and flashing his lights and everything.  I suggested we call the police.  I had a phone I couldn’t make calls on, so I asked if I could call from her phone.  She said not to call the police.  I couldn’t understand her behavior.  She just kept driving, almost ignoring the situation.  Clearly this guy was either asking for our help, or trying to hurt us somehow, either way, I felt the police needed to be contacted.

She again just said no, and decided to pull over.  The guy pulls over right behind us, and gets out of the car, and sprints to her drivers side.  He’s screaming and yelling like a madman.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???  WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY??  I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAN DIEGO YOU LYING BITCH”

I ask her “Do you know this guy?  Call the police!”

TV Wife isn’t saying a word.  She just looks nervous, but she’s just looking straight ahead, and not even acknowledging this screaming maniac.

Maniac:  “ANSWER ME!!  WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY??”

Then he started pounding on her window.

That was enough for me.  I got out of the car to confront him.  I run out to the drivers side, and he races and gets right in my face screaming.  Strangely, I wasn’t all that scared.  Those of you that know me, know that I am by no means a fighter.  However, in the case of this guy, I was pretty certain I could take him.  I think he recognized that too, because even though he was being really loud, he wasn’t trying anything.  He’s in my face screaming on and off at me and her.  I look at her, and she’s just staring at her steering wheel.  I don’t know if she’s in shock, or what.  Please keep in mind, I don’t know what to do.  This is all happening so fast, he’s screaming, she’s not saying a word, and I’m just so confused.

I finally take control of the situation.

“You need to calm the fuck down.  Who the fuck are you??”

“Tell him who I am!!”

I look at her, and she’s finally looking at us, but she still isn’t saying anything.

Then he looks at her…

“IS THIS WHY YOU NEEDED TO CHECK YOUR PHONE RIGHT AFTER WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT??  YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Then he started pounding on her window again.  I stepped in , and pressed him up against the car to restrain him. (This is one of the VERY few times being a fat guy came in handy.  He wasn’t going anywhere) He just kept screaming and yelling.  I told him he needed to calm down.  I needed to figure out what was happening.  I told her she needed to explain what was going on.

“I’m her boyfriend asshole!  Get the fuck off me!!”

She finally got out of the car, and told me that he’s crazy, and we should just go.  She still wouldn’t acknowledge him.  She told me that he’s insane, and that he’s obsessed with her, and that she would explain later, but that she just really wanted to go.

“I’m obsessed with you??  That’s why you fucked me last night?  I checked your phone when you went to the bathroom last night.  I wanted to see who the fuck you were texting!  Are you even going to San Diego??”

The only thing she replied with was

“You went thru my phone??  YOU WENT THRU MY PHONE??  How the fuck did you even get into it??  You’re fucking crazy!!  Get the fuck out of here you psycho!  Who the fuck does that??  Stay the fuck away from me!!

I don’t even know how to process any of this!  Things are happening so fast, and my mind is kinda blown. I found it extremely telling that of all the things being screamed out, the only thing she acknowledged was that he went thru her phone.

Basically things kept getting yelled out back and forth.  She just pleaded with me for us to please leave.  I told the guy he just needed to leave, or I’d be calling the cops.

I just didn’t know what the hell to do.  I believed him.  I think clearly there is something going on with them, and she isn’t saying much.  She just keeps telling me she wants to leave, and that she’ll explain later.  I just wanted to leave too.  But I didn’t want to go with her.  However, I was stuck.  I didn’t have my phone with me, so I couldn’t request an Uber.  I HAD to go with her.  I got in the car and told the guy that if he tried to follow us, I’d definitely call the police.  Despite his screaming and yelling, he actually seemed harmless.  This guy is so not a fighter.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you can tell when someone has violence in them.  This guy didn’t.  Ya, he was pounding on her window, but if you were there, I think you’d understand.

We pulled away, and he went the other way.

We sat in the car, and didn’t say anything for a bit.

“Ok, this silent thing isn’t going to work for me.  You need to tell me if that’s your boyfriend or not”

“He’s crazy!  He’s obsessed with me.  I’m so, so sorry!  But he’s crazy”

“But is he your boyfriend??”

“I can’t believe he did that!  He’s so fucking crazy!  Who the fuck does that?  He was waiting for me!  That’s so scary!”

“Ok, so he’s obviously your boyfriend.  You refuse to answer that, and you were obviously with him last night”

“It’s a long story, and you’re not letting me explain”

“Actually, it’s not a long story at all.  He’s either your boyfriend, or he’s not.  He clearly thinks he is.  And you aren’t denying it.  It’s not a fucking hard thing to answer.”

“I can’t believe he went thru my phone!  I have a code on it!”

“OMG, you aren’t going to answer me, are you??

“Please, just let me explain.  I can’t explain everything right now.  Please.  We just need to calm down.  I have a long drive to San Diego.  It’s dangerous for me to drive upset.  Please just let me explain later”

“Seriously??  What the hell does driving to San Diego have to do with whether or not he’s your boyfriend??”

“Just please let me explain later!!!”

“You know what, don’t worry about it.  If you can’t answer this, then I know what the answer is.”

“UGH!!  It’s complicated.  It’s too complicated to explain right now.  Why can’t you understand that?”

“Because yes, he’s my boyfriend.  Or no, he’s not my boyfriend is not a complicated answer.  It seems pretty clear that you were with him last night”

“That’s none of your business”

“Are you serious right now??”

“It’s true.  I’m just saying, it doesn’t concern you where I was last night.  I’m not asking you where you were”

“We’re not getting pulled over by a woman claiming to be my girlfriend!!”

“You and I aren’t exclusive, so it doesn’t matter if I was with him last night”

“We’ve been on TWO dates, of course we aren’t exclusive!  And you’re right, you can sleep with anyone you want.  But, if he’s your boyfriend, ya, that matters.  I can’t believe you’re seriously trying to turn this around on me!”

At this point, we’re near my place.  We just kept arguing in circles like this.  She kept begging me to let her explain later.  She refused to give me a yes or no about him being her boyfriend or not.  The only thing she would say, is that they did date in the past, and that she feels bad for him because he’s a loser (her words)
I’ll admit something right now.  I’m a total hypocrite. Although I’ve never cheated on someone, I have been the person that someone has cheated with.  I think we all have our own line when it comes to morality.  I won’t ever cheat on someone, and I will never mess with a married woman.  Maybe this is weird, but marriage is sacred to me.  If someone looked someone else in the eyes, and made those vows, I won’t be a part of those vows being broken.  And I can only hope that if I ever get married, the woman I marry will take those vows as seriously as me.

But, I’ve hooked up with girls with boyfriends.  And admittedly, I’ve done it more than once.  But with those girls, I’ve never ever taken them seriously.  At all.  I would never make a girl like that my girlfriend.  I’m not stupid enough to think that they wouldn’t cheat on me, after just having cheated on someone else to be with me.

One thing I’ve learned about women that cheat on their boyfriends, is that they ALWAYS blame the boyfriend.  Always.  A million excuses.
He doesn’t pay enough attention to me.
He’s not nice to me.
He takes me for granted.
He’s a loser and I’m only with him because I feel sorry for him.
I can’t break up with him… it would crush him.

(Actually, I think this applies to anyone who cheats on their significant other… male or female)

So, that’s now my dilemma.  I’m incredibly attracted to this girl, but if that is her boyfriend, I can’t take her seriously, so a relationship is out of the question.  Even if he isn’t her boyfriend, she’s clearly shady.

When I finally got home, I started thinking about it more and more, and I started getting really angry.  She put me in a really shitty situation!!  I mean, luckily, everything ended without harm, but it could’ve gone much differently.  What if she was dating someone who could handle himself?  I would’ve had to get into a fight.  I don’t wanna get in a fight!!  Also, what if he had come armed?  I mean, this guy sat there waiting for us to arrive.  That’s kinda scary… then when she decided to drive away, he started chasing us.  I’m lucky his craziness didn’t extend beyond that!  I’m just saying, yesterday could’ve ended really badly!  A broken heart, mixed with some level of crazy, is nothing to mess with.

I have a feeling that this guy is her boyfriend.  Despite whatever excuse she tries to give me.  And, I also have a feeling that despite what happened, he isn’t going to leave her.  TV Wife is gorgeous… and intelligent.  If I thought she was too attractive for me, she’s DEFINITELY the most attractive girl this guy has ever had.  He’ll probably do anything to keep her.  He’ll believe her lies, and blame others for her indiscretions.

So, despite my immense attraction to TV Wife, I think I have to end things entirely.  I shouldn’t even keep her around for fun.  I know I can’t have a relationship with her, and I think she won’t even be worth keeping as a possible friends with benefits situation.

I haven’t completely sealed the door though.  I wrote her phone # down, and put it in a place that’s hard to get to.  I texted her, and asked her to please not contact me for the rest of the weekend… even if it’s just to give me whatever BS excuse she’s coming up with.  I told her I need time to process everything that happened. Then I deleted her # from my phone.  I went out last night, and I knew I’d be drinking, and having her # wouldn’t be a good idea.  When I get drunk, I tend to text pictures of my boobs, and she just doesn’t deserve to see the girls 😉
Seriously though, I knew texting while drunk wouldn’t be a good idea.  I’m so disappointed.  I was diggin her.  As everything started to head south, all I could think was “of course!!”.  That’s not a healthy outlook.

My apologies for this post not being as funny as some in the past.  I’ve just been in a weird place mentally since this happened.  I was really bummed most of yesterday, but then I saw a couple really good friends last night, and that definitely got my spirits back up.  I promise to get back to being funny asap!  In fact, I have a story about a girl from a few years ago, that I hope you’ll all enjoy much more than this one.

As always, thoughts, advice, and comments are always welcome dear readers.  In fact, if you’ve ever been cheated on, or been the one doing the cheating, feel free to comment here!  It’s anonymous, and it could provide some insight.

Until next time!

-Dr. Weirdlove

 

My possible TV Wife?

Despite the last few dates, I trudge on.  I went on another one a few nights ago.  I was actually excited for this one.  She’s way flippin cute!  Like, WAY cute.  The downside (and there’s always a downside) is that she is on the young side.  That doesn’t really bother me, but I know that’s a deal breaker for some.

The entire day, we weren’t sure if we’d end up getting together.  We’d already postponed once, and I didn’t want to have to do it again.  It’s really easy to lose interest, know what I mean?  However, the way my workday was going, it seemed quite possible I was going to have to do some overtime.  Plus, it was raining that day, which was possibly going to make traffic kinda lousy.  We live a decent distance away from each other.  Not far… but far enough that rain could make it harder for at least one of us.

Luckily, despite me getting home later than I wanted to, she was still down to get a quick cocktail.  I got home and wanted to get ready as quickly as possible.  For those of you that don’t know me, I should let you know that I’m a bit of a princess.  Basically, what that means, is that getting ready quickly is about as possible as time travel.

I started a load of laundry.  I knew exactly what I wanted to wear, but I noticed something I didn’t like on the shirt I was going to wear, so a wash was needed.  As the laundry was getting done, I jumped into the shower.  No quick rinse off here.  I was actually excited to meet this girl, so I knew I had to put the extra effort in.  Used my sugar scrub in the shower, to get my skin that incredible silky satin feel to it.  Seriously, this stuff is incredible!  Makes your skin feel amazing to touch!  So, even if the date doesn’t go well, who needs her?  I can just touch myself!
Well… not like THAT……………….. maybe.

Anyway, I get out of the shower (skin feeling perfect) and I race to move everything from the washer to the dryer.  I check the time, and I am cutting it way too close.  I get my hair just right, and now it’s a waiting game for the dryer to do it’s thing.  The shirt dries surprisingly fast, but my jeans, not so much.  I realize what an idiot I am.  The shirt had a mark on it, so that’s why I did the quick wash… but the jeans were fine!  There was no reason to add them to the wash… but I felt I should do as big a load as possible so as to not waste water… stupid drought.  Now I’m waiting for these frickin jeans to dry, and wearing another pair isn’t an option.  I love the way these jeans look with this shirt… and the shirt does a good job of hiding those extra pounds that late night pizza has graced my body with.  Time is seriously an issue now, so I’m  pretty much dressed… minus pants (enjoy the visual)  I decide to order my Uber, and I’ll just take the jeans out of the dryer when they arrive.  Of course they arrive in literally 3 minutes.  So, I pull humid jeans out of the dryer, throw them on, and head out the door.

One important thing I didn’t take into consideration.  Jeans tend to shrink up a little straight after a wash.  Normally, after wearing them for about an hour or so, they are fine again… but I didn’t have an hour.  These things are SNUG!  And what sucks is, the shirt I had for them, only works if it’s tucked in.  I’m fiddling around in the car as I’m headed to the date, trying to see if it would work untucked.  No dice!  The shirt was too long to not tuck in.  So, I tuck it in, and I gotta tell you, I’m muffin toppin something fierce!!  It’s awful, and I’m mortified!  All I can picture, is that she also has a dating blog, and the post of her date with me will be titled “My date with the giant chocolate chip muffin”

She texts me to let me know she’s already at the bar, and I’m still over 5 minutes away according to the app.  NOT a good way to start.  I hate that feeling so much.  There is nothing I can do, so I should just relax.  Instead however, I stress, and just get myself all worked up.  It’s a crap feeling.

I finally get there, and she looks amazing!  She is sooo my type.  If we’re just going off looks, my type is dark hair, fair skin, and BIG eyes.  Many times, glasses are a plus.  She wasn’t wearing glasses, but she had all the other characteristics.  Full disclosure, if we’re just basing this on looks, she is so far out of my league, it’s not even funny.  Best way to describe it is, if you’ve ever seen a TV sitcom, there are sooo many times when the guy on the show is a mess, but he manages to score a hot wife somehow.  It’s been a television staple for decades, dating back to Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners.  Hell, even Fred and Wilma Flinstone are a good example!  So yes, going forward, this girl will be known as TV Wife.

After the last few dates of girls not really putting any effort into what they were wearing, TV Wife was a welcome surprise.  She wore a great outfit.  Tight jeans (tighter than my laundry disaster… but of course it looked great on her) some simple but cute wedges, with a nice, what appeared to be very dark blue nail polish on her toes, and a great top.  I wish I knew what these tops were called.  It’s a very loose top.  It has full length sleeves, and is very loose and airy on her body, but it’s super cute.  She also had good accessories.  a nice bracelet, and 2 big necklaces that worked with that top.

Now, as many first dates as I’ve been on, I still to this day feel so awkward when I first meet the person.  Do you hug?  Do you shake hands?  Or do you do nothing at all?
My personal preference would be to do nothing.  Well, in this case it would’ve been the hug… she was hot!  But creeper tendencies aside, a hug is too familiar for someone you’ve just met.  A handshake is ridiculously formal.  Doing nothing just seems like the safest bet.  But sometimes that isn’t an option.  Sometimes the girl is expecting something.  I walked over, and she stood as I approached, so I did the handshake.  One thing I DID like about her standing up, is that when she stretched out her hand, her top went up slightly, and you could get the teeniest tiniest peek at her waist. I know that sounds like yet another creeper comment, but you’ll have to get used to those if you’re going to continue reading this blog.
But, the reason I liked it so much, is that it’s super sexy.  I find little things like that soooo much more sexy than when a girl just wears something that leaves nothing to the imagination. This top she was wearing has full length sleeves, and covers her top entirely, but that tiny one inch peek at her waist was 100 times sexier than if she’s been wearing a cutoff top.  Sexy doesn’t mean sexual… and I love girls that know the difference.

So, that’s my reaction to her.  Her reaction to me, not as enthusiastic.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’m overweight.  I struggle with my weight a whole lot.  I workout all the time, but I eat like a monster.  However, I’m very honest in the pictures I use on dating sites.  So, even though she knew I’d be on the squishier side, I don’t think she imagined a chocolate chip muffin with legs.  My muffin top was bad enough when I was standing, but when I sat down, it got about a million times worse.  Once I sat down, the buttons on my shirt were holding on for dear life!  I was afraid one would fly off and hit her in the head… and I’d be in jail for involuntary manslaughter!  Best way to describe what I looked like when I sat down… imagine a tube of toothpaste where both ends are completely flat and empty… and ALL the toothpaste has found it’s way to the middle of the tube.  That was me.  Muffin flavored toothpaste =(

So, at this point, my self esteem is in the crapper.  I felt like I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t know why.  Her body language was very closed off.  The first minute or 2 were a bit awkward.  I did end up catching a break when the waiter took my order.  I ordered a Tom Collins, and TV Wife seemed impressed by that.

TV Wife:  A Tom Collins?  I’ve never had one.  What’s in it?

Me: Gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, soda water… and deliciousness.

TV Wife:  Sounds interesting.

Me:  “Sounds interesting” is something you say when you don’t wanna say something sounds bad.  It’s actually really good.

TV Wife:  How did you get into drinking  a Tom Collins?

Me: My best friend and I found a Mad Men drink guide.  At the time, we were going to Disneyland all the time. We decided that every time we went, we would try a different drink off the list.  Old fashioneds, Sidecars, Martinis etc…
When I got to the Tom Collins, I loved it.  I love all that Mad Men era stuff.  The fashion, the music…everything.  So it just seemed like the right drink for me.  Plus, when I have those old timey drinks, I get mistaken for Jon Hamm.  So, there’s that.

TV Wife:  I love Jon Hamm!!

Me:  You’re welcome.

That made her laugh.  Hard.  Harder than I expected.  And thank goodness it did, because it helped loosen me up BIG time.  I was still pretty intimidated by how attractive she was, and was still incredibly self conscious about how chunkified I felt, but as long as I kept her laughing, I felt very much in my element.  And I was able to keep her laughing.

One thing I didn’t mention about her appearance before, was her makeup.  It was on point!  I loved it.  I know.  Straight guys aren’t supposed to know about makeup.  But screw that.  The majority of my friends are female, plus, I used to work for M.A.C. Cosmetics, so I know a thing or two!  My favorite was her lipstick.  It was red… but not just red, this thing was R-E-D!  I think there are few girls who can properly pull off such a bold red, and let me tell you, she was one of them.

Me:  Ok, I know this is gonna sound weird, but I LOVE your lipstick!

TV Wife:  (looking surprised) Oh, thank you.  I really like this one.

Me:  Actually, I like everything you did with your makeup, but that lipstick is the star.  And I know what I’m talking about.  I’m a professional.  I used to work for MAC.

TV Wife:  You worked for MAC??

Me:  Indeed.  And I know not many girls can pull off that red, but you definitely can.  When I saw it, I thought “MmmHmmm!!”  (I know that sounds like yet another creeper comment, but trust me, in person it worked.  What girl doesn’t want her makeup compliment by a MAC pro?)

TV Wife:  Thank you!!!

I liked TV Wife.  Like I said earlier, she is quite a bit younger than me, but aside from our differing taste in music, it didn’t really affect the date in any way.  She was a good conversationalist.  And she’s smart.  Is it bad that I’m surprised a girl like this can still be available?  I always figure girls like this have a line of dudes lined up, know what I mean?

It was a really short date.  Less than an hour.  But in that hour, her body language changed BIG time.  I LOVE making people laugh.  When I’m able to make someone laugh, it feels like I’m feeding my soul.  I tend to struggle with insecurity, so when I can make someone laugh, it does wonders for me.  And I had her laughing the entire time.  The night started with her seeming a little closed off… but by the end, her body language completely changed.  She was laughing, and doing that thing that some girls do where they touch you when they laugh.  You know what I’m talking about.  Where they laugh and reach out to touch you on the arm or something.  That happened at least 3 times.  I think those little things mean something.

So, that was the entire date.  For the record, we hugged at the end of the date.  I tried not to hug too hard.  Things were going well, so I didn’t need her feeling my bosoms as we hugged, and ruining the whole night!
For those of you that were hoping for her being crazy, or some other sort of drama, I’m sorry to disappoint.
Actually, I’m not sorry.  I had a great time.  And it seems she did too.
I made it very obvious that I enjoyed myself, and that the night was far too short, and that we’d need to do it again when we had more time.  She said that would be great, and it didn’t sound like she was just being polite.

We’ve spoken on the phone a few times since, and it’s been good.  I’m not great on the phone though, so I’ve kept the conversations short.  There are few people I can have extended conversations with on the phone. Despite that though, it seems I’ll be getting a 2nd date, and I’m excited about that.  Now I just have to either lose weight, or find some muffin free pants!

Comments are always welcome friends.  Let me know if you’re enjoying the blog, and if you’d like to see anything different.  This is still a work in progress, so feedback is always welcomed.