My dating life is now in full swing, and let me tell you, I’ve been on some doozies! I’ll do my best to post them in order.
I’ll start with Mimi. I met Mimi on a popular dating site. Her profile was incredibly direct. There was no charm in it whatsoever. Seems like a long term relationship is her current mission at hand, and she can’t be bothered with anything else until that happens for her. Including fun! Fun might interfere with the mission! She is very clear and says “If marriage and children are not in your plans, swipe left. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time including my own.” I appreciate the honesty and directness of what she’s looking for, but the way she writes, it seems like a lecture. No fun or charm at all. So of course I immediately swiped right!! To be fair though, I mostly swiped right because of one of the pics she posted. As you know, I loooove resting bitch face (RBF) and this pic had it in spades! It was actually kind of a grainy pic, but the point got across, and I swiped right.
I was really surprised that she swiped right on me. I didn’t think a profile like mine would catch her attention. I emailed her right away, and said things I thought she’d want to hear. Not lies by any means, but I showed a more serious side instead of showing more of my sense of humor which is normally my strong point. She replied right away, but her response was very short. I didn’t want to seem too eager, so I spaced my responses out quite a bit (I know, I know, that’s technically playing games, but fuck it! Playing games is part of dating. If you don’t agree, you’re doing it wrong) Her responses were always very quick, but also very short. I decided to just give her my number and ask her to meet sooner rather than later.
She called me, and actually wanted my input as to what she should wear. I’ve never had that happen, and I strangely liked it. I mean, I think it’s a little weird seeing as I have no idea what she owns, but I like that she wanted to wear something I would like. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know what a pet peeve it is for me when a girl makes no effort on a first date. She finally told me what she’d be wearing, and I was excited to meet her. She wanted to look cute for me, and I liked that. A lot. But now I had some pressure on me. Here she is calling for advice on what to wear, and I was going to have to work later than anticipated that day, so I’d have to meet her right after work. No time to go home and shower and change. Fortunately, I really liked what I was wearing that day. It wasn’t one of those days where I woke up late and rolled into work with a Star Wars t-shirt!
We decided to meet for Happy Hour near work for me. She was running late, but at least texted me updates, so even though I was annoyed (cuz I could have showered and used my sugar scrub to get my skin incredibly smooth and soft… just in case things progressed well that night) I at least appreciated she kept me posted.
She looked like she did in most of her pictures. The outfit she was wearing was nice on her. Conservative, but nice. I had a drink and appetizers waiting for her when she arrived… cuz I’m considerate. A total catch.
We started talking. and I ask her exactly what it is that she does for a living because her profile mentioned something about being a business owner, but it was rather vague. Well, at this point, it’s as if I hit the on switch. As I’d mentioned before, in her emails she was pretty short with her answers. Oh not now! Now it was ON! I asked her about what is clearly her favorite subject… herself! Wondering why I’m calling her Mimi? It’s because that’s all she talked about… me, me, me, me, me, me. I think that if at any point she tried to say “Enough about me, let’s talk about you.” she would have spontaneously combusted. I’m serious, she would have just burst into flames or something. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure the muscles in her throat or mouth would allow her to utter that phrase. It’s a physical impossibility for her!
You see all these ads and inspirational quotes and posters all the time about learning to love yourself. Well screw that. Just hire this chic to give a course in self love!! Actually, I’m not sure if self love is the appropriate term. It’s more like self obsession!
Let me explain. I don’t want to go into too much detail about the business she runs, because keeping this anonymous is important to me, and if I provide too much detail, someone could do some sort of internet search and find this girl. But, the business she runs does provide service to celebrities from time to time. And, she makes sure she let’s you know about it! I was actually afraid that our waitress was going to trip and fall over all the names she was dropping!! I mean, it was fascinating to watch the lengths she’d go to in order to crowbar some celebrities name into our conversation. I think what I enjoyed the most about the whole thing, is that she always needed to make it seem like these people couldn’t live without her. At one point (this is while I still thought I had a chance of speaking) I was mentioning how I felt bad I had to say no to a friend about something. I’m in the middle of speaking, and she says “Oh my God. You think it was hard saying no to your friend…”
Yes bitch, by all means, cut me off and tell me your story about saying no to someone because it’s clearly going to be more important and fascinating.
Well, I have to say, I’m kind of glad she did, because this ended up being my favorite part of the date. Allow me to describe what she did. I think the visual is what my favorite part was. As I was in the middle of my sentence, she stopped me, raised her hand and said “Oh my God. You think it was hard saying no to your friend…” Then with the same hand placed it on her chest, took a breath, and in a loud voice (loud enough for the people around us to hear) she says “just imagine having to say no to Beyonce!”.
As soon as she said this, I was already starting to plan our next date in my head. I mean come on! She’s amazing, right??
This actually went on for a while. It literally was just her going on and on about this celebrity and that one. I realized I wasn’t going to be given a chance to talk much at all. The only thing that seemed to be allowed was me asking more questions about her. Surprisingly enough though, this started to get boring after a while. I’m pretty twisted and love characters like her as you know, so if I’m losing interest, it must be pretty bad. It was just that every story was the same. There would be this huuuge build up, just to drop the next celebrity name. I decided I needed to have some fun and started ruining her stories. There was one, where the build up at this point was over 5 minutes long. She was yapping endlessly about how she had been called to England and that everything was sooo secretive. Just as she’s getting to the crescendo and going to reveal who she will be doing something for, I, in a very bored voice say “I’m assuming it was the royal family or something?” It was soooo worth sitting thru that agonizingly boring 5 minutes just to do that to her!! The deflated look on her face that I ruined her big reveal was AMAZING!!! She just meekly said “…yes…” then took a sip of her wine.
This transitioned us into another topic. Don’t get me wrong, it was still all about her, but instead of talking about all the celebrities that can’t live without her, it was about how successful and rich she is. (She just keeps getting better and better doesn’t she??) Honestly though, who does that? Is that a thing that happens? I mean, I’ve never really dated a rich person. Is this something rich people do? Go around saying “I’m rich”.
She started telling me about the condo she just purchased. How she was recently on a date with another guy, and that he went over and saw her place and was like “Wow, what do you do for a living??” First off, this guy had never seen a condo? And second, did he actually make it to her place without having to hear about what she does and all the celebrities?? I find that impossible to believe. But here we were. I’m listening to how much money she makes. How she just bought this condo, and also has a place in London. I mean, kudos. Living in southern California is crazy expensive. Even a condo costs a pretty penny. But it’s the way in which she talks about it that is just so grating. At one point, she took out her phone to show me pics. Normally, when someone starts showing you pics on a first date, it’s of their pets. In fact, that’s been my experience every time. Oh not Mimi. No, no. She started showing me pics of the condo. Umm, overall I guess that’s fine. If I’d just purchased a place I’d be proud too. Again though it’s the way she does it.
We then moved on to talking about her family. This was really interesting. This started to tell me soooo much about her. Her family lives in another state, and they are pretty well off. Sounds like she grew up very comfortably. She has several brothers and sisters. Here’s what’s interesting though… none of them talk to her. Like none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. This includes her parents. But it’s not like the entire family is distant or anything. They are all really close from what she was telling me. It’s just that none of them talk to her. And it also sounded like all of them individually made the choice to cut off communication. I actually started feeling really bad for her. As I was saying how sorry I was to hear it, she said she didn’t care. That she didn’t need them in her life. And that they just couldn’t handle that she was so independent and successful. But that just didn’t make sense to me because it sounded like all of her family with the exception of one sister were really successful. Then, she takes out her phone and says look.
I’m thinking she’s going to show me a pic of the family, or perhaps of some text exchange showing me some of the friction between her family and herself. But no!! It was to show me a picture of her couch.
Let me repeat that. In the middle of telling me how her family doesn’t talk to her, and me telling her how sorry I am to hear that, she takes out her phone to show me a picture of her couch.
Mimi: This is the couch I got for the condo. This couch is $3000″
Me: …….
Mimi: Oh, and look at this coffee table. All the things on the coffee table are rare and very expensive decorations.
Me: …….
Mimi: Ya, I told my assistant to be careful with them because they are so expensive.
Me: So… is there any chance at reconciliation with your family?
I mean what the fuck?? In the middle of telling me about your family, your start showing me your “really expensive” couch?!
I understand that it’s more than likely a defense mechanism. That as much as she wants to act like she’s fine with her family no longer wanting to talk to her, she reverts to talking about her success. I’d be very curious what an actual mental health professional thinks of her. Because she clearly makes her self worth all about the things she has.
I asked a few more questions about her family. I just couldn’t drop it. I mean, how does an entire family just choose to ice someone out? I’m thinking she had to have done something, right? This date was over a month ago, so I don’t exactly remember the exact details, but it had gotten so bad, that one of her siblings didn’t want her at their wedding!! And it sounded like the family understood and agreed. Seems like things had been building up for quite a while.
So after some more prying, here is what I got. Slowly but surely she managed to sour the relationship with all her siblings. She wouldn’t give me too many details though. But the few that she did really made it seem like it was her fault. Then, we got to how her parents (HER PARENTS) decided to stop talking to her. Well, it turns out that all this amazing success she has, and her business are due to her parents. As I stated before, she seems to come from money. So, when she wanted to start her business, her parents gave her a very generous loan. It seemed that this way she wouldn’t need to pay interest or something (I dunno, it was all complicated) Anyway, her relationship was slowly deteriorating with all of them, then she decided that the money was hers and she wouldn’t be paying them back. According to her, if they could pay for her sisters wedding which was insanely expensive, then they owed her that money. I mentioned that her logic didn’t really make sense to me. That one didn’t really have anything to do with the other. And that maybe once she got married, they’d pay for her wedding too.
Mimi: I’m really successful. I don’t need mommy and daddy to pay for my wedding.
Me: Ya, but if you’re that successful, why do you need to keep the money you owe them? Isn’t it the same thing?
Mimi: Hello?? They paid thousands of dollars for my sisters wedding. They owe me!
Well, when she puts it that way!!
It’s all starting to make a lot of sense to me. As the evening goes on, she starts talking about a guy she dated. I won’t bore you with the details of their relationship (this post is already too long) except to mention this. She’s not over him. At all. They were together for 7 years. How they were together for that long is beyond me. But from the sounds of it, they were perfect together. Because he sounded just as shady as her. Here’s one thing I found incredibly telling. She met the guys mom. She lived in England, and actually met her by accident. Anyway, she said that when she met her, she was absolutely lovely to her , and that she was so happy that her possible future mother in law was such a delight. But, that just a few months later, the mother hated her and she felt was actively trying to sabotage the relationship. Now, this is how I see it. The mom meets this girl who’s been seeing her son for some time. The mother is polite, and does her best to make this girl feel welcome. Then, the more she learns about what type of person she is, the less she likes her. And, the thought of having this monster as a daughter in law starts to scare her. Am I off here? Anyone else seeing it this way as well? I mean think about it. Her WHOLE family cut her out of their lives. Then this woman meets her, and slowly changes too. I don’t think a person like Mimi is capable of seeing that in fact, it’s her that’s the problem. It’s much easier to just say that everyone else is jealous, and then making up reasons why they would be.
As we were talking, I realized something incredibly important. She doesn’t have any friends. The entire time we talked, she’d mention several assistants, but zero friends. In fact, when she was deciding what to wear for our date, she asked her assistant for her opinion. Wouldn’t you ask your friends?? Then I thought back to all the pics she posted. She posted the maximum amount allowed on the site we met which was 10. In not a single pic was she with any friends. That’s a red flag isn’t it??
As the night was coming to an end, she took out her phone again. This time to show me her hot tub… her inflatable hot tub.
Yup, that’s right. Miss I’m rich as fuck has an inflatable hot tub. One of the ones you can order online for like 400 bucks. Amazingly, this is one of the few times she didn’t mention how much something cost! She was telling me how great it is when she gets to use it. I asked why she wouldn’t use it everyday, I definitely would! She said it’s because the entrance to the balcony area on her condo is in her roommates bedroom.
Me: Wait… what?? You have a roommate?
Mimi: Uh duh, ya! I have 2 of them. Gotta pay the mortgage!
Me: Oh, I just assumed you bought it for yourself to have a nice big space to yourself.
Mimi: It’s mine. I did buy it for myself.
Me: Ok. But then, why not take the bedroom with the balcony. That way you can use your inflatable hot tub anytime.
Mimi: Because it’s my roommates bedroom.
Once again, how do you argue that logic??
Maybe I’m crazy, but if you’re going to brag about how incredibly rich you are, and the amazing condo you just bought yourself, wouldn’t living alone be a thing you’d want?You’re amazingly wealthy, but need help with the mortgage? I get it, rent is expensive. Most of us could use some help. HOWEVER, most of us don’t go around bragging about our success!! She’s an enigma for sure.
We finally decided to call it a night because she said she needed to be at work at 9pm. Really?? I didn’t bother to press her on it. I just decided to assume it was a booty call or something. Anyway, I decided to tell her I wanted to see her again, and she agreed.
You may be asking “Why the fuck would you want to see her again??” Although if you are asking that, I’ll just assume you haven’t read my previous posts =)
More on Mimi next time!
–Dr. W